Matt & Kim Suck! Five Acts We Would Rather See at Ultra 2013

Every year, Ultra Music Festival features curveball additions to the lineup that contrast greatly to the vociferous beatfreaking that dominates the event. Kraftwerk, New Order, the Black Eyed Peas, and Crystal Castles are all examples of the weekend's deviation from the deep-house/electro/dubstep axis.

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Normally, we applaud diversity. We don't give half a shit about the Black Eyed Peas, but, yeah, we guess it's neat they got to play on the same lineup as David Guetta.

However, the mere suggestion of the presence of ecstatic-and-adorable twee-on-crank duo Matt and Kim on the Ultra lineup offends our most core principles as not only music critics and fans but as a human fucking beings who are just trying to live, goddamn it.

No one should be smiling that much, unless they've been railing so much ketamine that they look like a cross of Cheech, Chong, and Jack Nicholson's portrayal of Batman villain the Joker.

This pair is soft. Weak. Corny. And we have five other acts we think would be substantially better additions to the lineup.

Matt & Kim Suck! Five Acts We Would Rather See at Ultra 2013

Upcoming Events

Tupac and Biggie Holograms Make Surprise Appearance With Avicii

The best thing about holograms is that they can't make embarrassing "cool mom" jokes about club drugs because, duh, they say whatever you want them to say. Although we're pretty sure even without MDNA nimrodically namedropping MDMA, deadmau5 will nevertheless find something to hatefully Tweet about. But it definitely won't be about the lack of Matt & Kim.

Matt & Kim Suck! Five Acts We Would Rather See at Ultra 2013

Will Ferrell's Cowbell Character Hurls Pies Into the Face of a Rolling Teenager

The role that inspired Christopher Walken to proclaim "I have a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell!" may be the exact thing this fledgling festival needs. Besides, we're tired of watching Steve Aoki smash some amphetamine'd baboon in the face with birthday cake. Bring on the cowbell and the whipped cream pies!

Matt & Kim Suck! Five Acts We Would Rather See at Ultra 2013

Having embraced the Transformers-core undulations of brah-step, the former godfathers of nü-metal are really not all that different from, say, their fellow bass wobble womp womp gollum Skrillex. Jonathan Davis as "JDevil" would bring a particularly '90s satanist feel to the fest. Korn would definitely make more sense than a Muppet Baby indie-pop couple.

Matt & Kim Suck! Five Acts We Would Rather See at Ultra 2013

Eddie Vedder Plays the Ukelele in the Chill Out Room

When you're trying not to bite your tongue off because you're still so amped from getting caught in a nü-metal dubstep mosh, scrappy, yappy, precious pop is not what you want to cleanse your palette with. But doesn't a little ukelele, as plucked by a '90s grunge-rock icon, sound like a nice follow-up?

Matt & Kim Suck! Five Acts We Would Rather See at Ultra 2013

Beyoncé's Super Bowl Half-Time Show

Queen B is our number-one pick to usurp Matt & Kim's Ultra set. And not only because her performances are technical marvels, physical wonders, and aesthetic triumphs. We're dying to see if Mrs. Carter will perform her vocals live or phone it in with prerecorded tracks and hope all the pookieheads are geekin' too hard to tell the damned difference.

2013 Ultra Music Festival. March 15 to 17 and 22 to 24. Ticket cost from $299.95 to $1,449.90.

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