New Found Glory

Near the Earth's core exists a subterranean conference room, replete with comfy leather chairs, chilled carafes of water, and delicately perfumed air. Recent meetings there have resulted in low-rise jeans, Wal-Mart's underwriting of NPR, and Jimmy Kimmel. In the corner, Hot Topic founder Orv Madden enjoys a sandwich from Burger King's low-carb menu and lovingly tends to a Lockheed Martin-made incubator that's specially calibrated to hatch pitch-perfect mall punks who, when fully mature, will roam the surface of the Earth with the Warped Tour, feeding on the souls of unsuspecting American children. Resist. -- Nate Cavalieri


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