Nicki Minaj Has a Comic Book?! Ten Better Musician Superhero Suggestions
Bluewater Comics recently released the series Fame: Nicki Minaj -- and, no, we've never heard of Bluewater Comics either.
Apparently, the independent company produces three lines of biography comics: Female Force, Political Power, and Fame. The latest addition to the Fame series, Nicki Minaj, promises to explore the life and times of the young starlet. But why stop there, Bluewater Comics?
Comic books have long been the primary medium for telling larger-than-life stories. We say, give the girl some real freakish superpowers! Have her fight crime with a league of multiplatinum recording artists. Make the villains from other dimensions or time-jumpers from the ancient past. C'mon, Bluewater, you're selling the audience short if there isn't at least one skimpy superhero outfit with spandex and capes.
For your reading pleasure, we offer you ten real-life recording artists turned comic book protagonists, the way it's supposed to be done.
10. Nicki Minaj
Super-owers: Bat-shit-crazy laser eyes. Also has hair that morphs into inantimate objects.
Arch-Nemesis: Mimi the Emancipator.
Origin Story: Created by Weezy, an extra-galactic entity with the power to coin nonsensical phrases and turn hunks of turds into shining stars. To combat the forces of evil, the outspoken critic of exceptional basketball franchises sent Minaj to protect the Golden Idol of the Americas.
Superpowers: Rolls the perfect joint; shape-shifts into lesbian.
Arch-Nemesis: Paparazzi, the open road.
Origin Story: Gains strength from prepubescent hormones, tears, and the wrist blood of overly dramatic teenaged girls. He's a force of nature who helps aging R&B and hip-hop artists remain relevant to a younger demographic.
8. Lady Gaga
Superpowers: Poker face that can cut diamonds. Commands an army of microscopic monsters.
Arch-Nemesis: The Daughter of Crazy Train.
Origin Story: Once a quiet brunet from New York, young Stefani Germanotta nearly lost her mind when she used radioactive bleach to dye her hair. Her painful wails were heard by Akon, who pieced together the fragmented starlet with chunks of raw meat that she must still wear to this day.
7. Chris Brown
Superpowers: The ability to throw iPhones and bottles great distances. Can have Bert from Sesame Street denied entrance to any nightclub of his choosing.
Origin Story: Brown taught himself to sing and dance at a young age. He harnessed his powers to such a lethal calibration that he was nearly consumed by his own madness. He now spends his time lashing out at anyone, trying to rebuild the pieces of his shattered mind.
Superpowers: Wields umbrellas with deadly force. Fits of unstoppable rage when bald.
Arch-Nemesis: Other former Mousketeers.
Origin Story: Created from a highly unstable form of steel from another dimension, Ms. Spears is a master of deception and disguise. Highly volatile and confoundedly enduring, the starlet uses her nasally voice to disorient her enemies.
Superpowers: Immune to bullets and can disappear without a trace.
Arch-Nemesis: Ninja sect of the Hasidic mafia, AKA the Jujitsu G-Jews.
Origin Story: Set shortly after the events of the videogame 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand. After defeating the terrorists in the Middle East and recovering a diamond- and pearl-encrusted human skill, G-Unit discovers that the skull has magical powers. They gained the gift of immortality. Now the rapper superheroes are set of to fight crime, though they met their match in the mystical Hasidic ninja mafia. Who will win? The fate of the planet hangs in the balance.
4. Taylor Swift
Superpowers: The power to never age mentally past the age of 12.
Arch-Nemesis: All of her exes.
Origin Story: Tears on her mystic guitar awaken ancient spirits that make her fairy-tale fantasies a reality. However, they also unleash a demon that was enslaved to the guitar by her ancestors. Possessing the soul of any and every man whom Swift has ever found attractive, the demon seeks to have its revenge on the Swift bloodline and enslave everyone in the world.
3. Bruno Mars
Superpowers: Emulates famous male singers from the past who actually have a pair.
Arch-Nemesis: Women, Samuel L. Jackson.
Origin Story: After taking a former lover on the most dangerous first date ever (catching grenades, throwing hands on blades), Mars realizes he has been "unbreakable" since birth. Then he meets Samuel L. Jackson, who at first befriends him but later reveals himself to be the antagonist of the series.
Superpowers: Makes people not ever want to have fun ever again.
Arch-Nemesis: Golden Silence.
Origin Story: After failed auditions for Glee, the boys decided to conquer popular media via radio. However, in order to write actually listenable music, they must first solve the mystery behind the pyramids of Giza.
1. Kid Rock
Superpowers: Success without talent.
Arch-Nemesis: New Times concert reviewers.
Origin Story: When his home planet, Detroit, was imploding from a crumbling economy, Kid Rock was sent to Earth to stupefy its citizens by combining worst elements of multiple genres of music. Now he makes art films with Sean Penn and practices the art of trolling whenever reviewers honestly critique his shows.
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