Nine Signs That You Loved Nü-Metal

To be a fan of nü-metal is the equivalent of being a self-hating Juggalo. In every iteration -- the two major poles being rap-rock or spooky-scary-angry mud-butt-rock -- the genre is negative and immature. Lyrically, musically, ideologically: There is no redemption.

In the second decade of the new millennium, we take it for granted that nü-metal sucks. People used to love that shit! In fact, you might have even loved that shit!

I know. It's hard to deal with, and that's why you have repressed the harrowing memories of endlessly inane aggro angst. But to move past this confusing and embarrassing period in your life, you need to accept the truth.

And of course, County Grind is here to help. Here are nine signs that you loved nü-metal in the '90s.

9. Skinny Jeans Are the New JNCOs

Are today's heepsters yesterday's nü-metal trolls? How many people who go to see the Arcade Fire in 2013 also went to see Slipknot in 1999? What if the reason behind pants getting tighter and tighter the past ten years is that the decade prior they kept getting bigger and bigger, which was, at least initially, a throwback to the bell-bottoms of the '70s in response to all that unbreathable spandex from the '80s.

Pants-leg circumference swings back and forth for all eternity, like a glistening guillotine strapped to the pendulum of your grandfather's clock.

Nine Signs That You Loved Nü-Metal

8. Stashed in the Closet: A.D.I.D.A.S., Red Caps, and Hot Topic T's

But it's impossible that everyone who wears skinny jeans used to be into nü-metal. Another way to tell: Everyone's got a spot in their living quarters where they keep stuff they don't want other people to know they keep. Examples include weapons, drugs, pornography, and leftover Staind patches your Mom wouldn't let you sew on your bookbag.

Nine Signs That You Loved Nü-Metal

7. That Thing on Your Face

It would seem that the entire cast of players behind the nü-metal wave/plague of the '90s took their facial-hair inspiration from Anthrax's Scott Ian. This is the only genre where it would be acceptable to braid your giant sideburns or dread a Fu Manchu. All facial hair is created equal, but if you've got an extra-long soul patch, I can't help but wonder if you also have the collected works of Disturbed.

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