February 25, 2013 | 9:46am
The 2013 Oscars were dedicated to honoring a fabulous and fierce storytelling tradition: the musical. But it took watching 30 tunes belted out by A-list actors before we figured that one out (Sunday night wet-brain).
- Photos: 2013 Oscar Winners
Seth MacFarlane was, as he predicted in his 2-hour long opening monologue, a mediocre host. He managed to be genuinely funny at two points in the night: 1. with the sock puppet version of Flight
, and 2. in his brilliant and simple joke about the Von Trapp Family Singers
. There's nothing like a purely amusing Sound of Music
reference to balance out all the creepy Family Guy
crap. But if they'd have gotten Christopher Plummer to sing "Eidleweiss," this would have been the best award show ever.
Since there was a ton of toe tapping and so hitting high notes, and not all of it was good, we put together a list of the musical low moments. Enjoy.
5. Boob Song or Titty Tune
Seth MacFarlane's greatest enemy is Peter Griffin. The boob song he sang at the start of the Oscars was proof of that. It was like every Family Guy vignette: very almost funny, but mostly just dumb.
To the delight of masturbating teens, watching from their parents' computers with hands deep in their pants, the host listed off names of actresses and the films in which their nude perkies appeared. What was amusing was when the cameras cut to the faces of the women in the audience, and their looks of joke horror. But overall, come on, boobs are hilarious, and though this could have been Monty Python, it was more Road Trip.
4. Harry Potter Tap Dancing
Besides singing, there was a significant amount of dancing on the Oscar stage. After a magical (Mike) moment with Charlize Theron and Channing Tatum on twinkle toes, MacFarlane did a seriously snoozy number with Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Watch the awkward moves above.
Shirley Bassey had a very shaky start when performing her famed "Goldfinger." Sure she's 76, and shaky comes with the territory, but the problem didn't necessarily lie with her alone. None of the singers were easy to hear last night. The backtracks were up so loud, it was like, is Babs just moving her lips, or is sound coming out? Low mics ruined every song. It's also possible that we just have a crappy, cheap TV.
2. Les Miz
OK, so, duh, the cast of Les Miserables in full song form was a really neat moment in musical television history. But when actors sing so well, it's almost disturbing. It's like, they look good, they have all of these emotions, and then they have those voices? Their superhuman ways are hate-making.
1. Jennifer Lawrence Drops It Like It's Hot
Jennifer Lawrence Stevie Wondered her way up the stairs, eating it to "My Cherie Amour."