Pool Party's Creep Guirdo Demands That Ponderosa Not Name Their Next Album "Pool Party"
Please, have some respect for bare chested greaseballs.
Editor's Note: Creep Guirdo, frontman of the band Pool Party and local character responds to Southern rockers Ponderosa's announcement that their new album will be called Pool Party. We've chosen to let his goofy-guy vernacular stand without edits. Enjoy.
Hello my faithful friends from Broward and Palm Beach, I am Creep Guirdo from the band Pool Party. You probably have - or maybe haven't, I don't know - seen me and my sexy band play sometimes at the Snooze or the place that closed down called Monterey Club or the place with the high ceiling and good bass speakers, Green Room. If you seen my band, you know that we take our name very seriously. We have rules about what a Pool Party is, we adhere to them, and we expect everyone to understand, agree, and do the same.
So, imagine how I felt when I got this press release that a band called Ponderosa is making an album named Pool Party. I felt pretty honored, assuming they were going to be covering all of our songs - I read the song titles, these are not Pool Party song titles. Pool Party song titles are "Pool Party Yeah," "Pool Party Party," and "Pool Party Wut," not "Navajo" or "Black Hill Smoke," or "Cold Hearted Man" - those are Hardy Boys book titles; no offense to Franklin Dixon, or Frank and Joe Hardy.
Like the song from Matrix says "Know Your Enemy" - so, I just listened to Ponderosa's album Moonlight Revival. It sounds kind of like those Wilco guys or like what the Compulsive Gamblers would sound like if they got produced by the one of those Wilco guys. It's not my cup of coffee, but the only bands I like are Pool Party, Ramones, and Slade.
It's very heavy music, dude. Not heavy like Torche or Tad, heavy like the feeling that comes with waiting for the results of the paternity test. This music makes me feel feelings. I do not like to be feeling.
I called my lawyer friend - my friend who has an LA Law episode on tape - and he told me that I should pursue legal action. After figuring out that legal action requires forms, notarizations, police, and faxing things, I decided to take matters into my own hands.
Juan Fernando Velasco
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Maybe I can call them and tell them to not name their album Pool Party. That seems fair, right? If we named the next Pool Party album Backstreet Boys, we wouldn't be surprised if Justin Timberlake called us and said, "Guys, our band has that name, please don't call it that. That's rude." So, if anyone has Ponderosa's phone number, please give it to me, I want to call them. I can even compromise.
I'll say, "Hey Ponderosa, your next album is described as 'atmospheric with grinding chords and muted arpeggios.' That does not sound like fun. Nowhere in your description of your next record does the word 'fun' appear - well, it sort of appears when they call one of their songs a "funeral." But, please respect the sanctity of my band and Pool Parties everywhere. Either, A. do not name your album my band's name or B. re-record it and write some songs about pizza, lasers, or thongs."
Also, if this album is still named Pool Party when it is released on July 31, we will take that as an explicit invitation to name our next album Ponderosa. An invitation we will decline, because that is a stupid name for a Pool Party album, our next EP is already named Teenage Weirdo and that is the name of a country-rock-alt band from Atlanta.
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