Carol City don and MMG head honcho Rick Ross will celebrate the release of his fifth studio album, God Forgives, I Don't, on August 4 at the world-famous "urban gentleman's club" and home of five-dolla T-bone steak King of Diamonds.
We know, when you first heard about this partay, you said to yourself: "WTF? I'm so there, and I'm taking the wifey with me." Then the realization hit that you and your girl are not nearly cool, successful, or rich enough to let anything but tears over your poverty rain at KoD. No matter how much you think your life is like "Cashin Out," it's not.
But if you swallow the pride and paper to hit the Boss' party, here are a couple of tips to consider before getting down with Ricky Rozay and the beautiful, buxom, athletic ladies of King of Diamonds. Remember, you want your night to be "Rack City," not one of those weird Drake songs where he's depressed even while getting a lap dance.
Save Your Money, You Broke Bitch
You want to make it rain because it looks like the coolest thing ever, but in order for you to do this, you should have been saving up those $350 Starbucks paychecks a few months in advance.
That means months of eating rice and beans at home with Mom and Dad, staring at Guy Fieri's dumb hair on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives with your girlfriend, and sucking down plenty of Yuengling 12-packs. All of this will pay off in the end, because once you get to KoD, your 20 seconds of rain-making is gonna be fucking awesome! And for those 20 seconds, you will be a demigod.
That feeling won't last, because for working folk like yourself, making it rain offers only a diminishing return. So yeah, expect a dolla-dolla-bill hangover.
Book a Table in Advance
You are not Lil Wayne or LeBron James. This means you can't just walk into KoD and expect that slow-motion-sunglasses-on-cash-drizzling-on-you treatment. You are not special, meaning you need to book a table a week ahead of time just like everybody else who listens to 99 Jamz. Contact 954-504-1381 for table reservations.
Create a KoD Mix for the Ride Over
We're nerds here at County Grind, so what better way to get buck before a night at the strip club than to compile a mixtape of your favorite strip-club tunes? Depending on where you live, this might be a long drive, so soundtrack it. Start it off with DJ Laz's "She Can Get It" and throw in some Trina "Red Bottoms" to get the night started the SoFla way. Sprinkle in a Hot Boys track ("We on Fire" or "I Need a Hot Girl," preferably) and then finish it off with Lady's "Twerk It." By the time you park next to the two Brinks trucks in the parking lot, you're ready for some bobbies in your face.
Deciding the Right Moment to Slap Bills on Booties
We mentioned earlier about saving up your cash for that badass "make it rain" moment. Well, the next step to consider is when exactly you should smack those bills from your palm onto some lady flesh. This is your moment. Don't waste it.
One factor to consider really: Make sure the song playing is ratchet-friendly. You want something along the lines of "Round of Applause" or "MakeIit Rain." Getting wild to "Lotus Flower Bomb" is lame, because nothing about Wale says "titty bar."
Don't Tell Rick Ross How Much You Love Rich Forever
Like a good Floridian, you know all the lines to "Stay Schemin" and "Triple Beam Dreams," but chill the fuck out. Rick Ross won't appreciate your drooling all over him with your Pissed Jeans T-shirt waxing on about how Rich Forever is the best record you heard all year. Save your geek moment for when you run into him at Wingstop or something.
Take Care of Baby Girl
Depending on the situation, stripping can be a hassle and a hustle. So make sure the lovely ladies at KoD get theirs. Tip accordingly (and whatever you think accordingly is -- double it, you cheapskate). You know they're working hard for their money.
Wear a Snapback
OK, hear us out on this. Coordinate a good-looking snapback (five-panel camp caps work too) so that your dancer has something to snatch and wear while they're dancing on you. Believe us, they'll be all over it (we know from personal experience. Shout out to Shyvonne; hope you're doing well, mama!).
And don't you dare think of wearing a Heat Championship hat at the club, as if you're original or something. C'mon, son.
Now you're ready for the Rick Ross' God Forgives, I Don't Release Party on August 4 at King of Diamonds, 7800 NE Fifth Ave., Miami.