It's 2 p.m. on a beautifully sunny Saturday, but you and your bros are inside killing pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto and passing around a bag of pretzels. What's there to do?
"Hey, we could go to the gay pride parade," Billy suggests.
What the heck?! A gay pride parade?
You all pile on top of Billy, twisting his nipples and tickling his thighs until he can't breathe. That's what he gets for making such a gay suggestion.
But wait! Peel all your shirtless friends off of Billy's heaving chest and listen.
Straight guys, there's nothing wrong with going to a gay pride festival. Simply participating won't make you gay!
Gay pride season is upon us. With pride events slamming Miami this weekend and Fort Lauderdale's crazy parade coming in June, it's important for straight men to realize that a bowl of Lucky Charms isn't the only place they should be seeing rainbows.
Attending a gay pride festival can change a straight man's life for the better. And here's how.
7. Expand your vocabulary.
There's all types of awesome jargon within the gay community that you could add to your vocabulary. Check out some of these cool words gay guys use to refer to one another:
Twink: A young skinny gay man with minimal body hair.
"I'm surprised Disney isn't trying to cast that twink in High School Musical 4." (Snaps and laughs all around.)
Twunk: A slightly older twink with more mass.
"Have you seen Allan lately? He started eating carbs again and bought a kettlebell and now he's a total twunk."
Bear: A large gay man with a lot of body hair.
"Like ten bears just walked out of Chipotle and now they're out of guacamole and there's hair in the corn."
6. Fashion advice.
Can't figure out why you're not getting any? Maybe it's because you dress like Keanu Reeves from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure every single day instead of just on Halloween.
We're not saying every gay man works for Vogue. But we are saying 99% of straight men will wear Crocs out to dinner unless specifically instructed not to.
Go out and find a well-dressed, friendly gay man. Level with him, and tell him you need help. You need to diversify your wardrobe. Those three Tommy Bahama shirts ain't cutting it.
Every straight man was secretly devastated when Queer Eye for the Straight Guy went off the air. Now the only person on television yelling at straight men is Nancy Grace.
And just look at what the homosexual community can do with neighborhoods! Did you see Wilton Manors before the gays moved in? No you didn't, because you drove by it going 90 miles per hour with the doors locked and your eyes closed.
5. Free condoms.
Bowls and bowls of them, like candy on Halloween. They even come in flavors. There's strawberry, banana, and — for the health-conscious — quinoa.
Sure, you'll never use all of the 200 that you grabbed, and they'll spend most of their time tucked in the bottom of your dresser, silently mocking you every time you reach for a sock, but, hey, it's always good to be prepared!
Stay safe! Wrap it up.
4. Straight girls.
Gay guys aren't the only who go to gay pride festivals. Plenty of straight girls go too. And straight girls are always at their drunkest when with their gay friends, so you might actually have a chance.
When she sees you at a gay pride festival she'll think, "Oh my, he's so open-minded," and, "Why the fuck is he carrying 200 condoms?"
Just leave the Crocs at home and you might find love.
3. Motivation to get in shape.
The gays have been into fitness before it was the cool thing to do. Before there was CrossFit, there was Spencer pinching you every time you didn't get low enough in your squats.
These dudes and ladies were getting shredded abs and toned legs while the rest of us weren't sure whether Tai Bo was something we did at the gym or ordered in a restaurant.
Get a gay gym buddy and in a few weeks, you'll be looking like all five of The Avengers.
2. Find a gay best friend.
Everyone — not just Debra Messing and Lady Gaga — needs a gay best friend. Gay best friends are great. They're mostly honest and almost always down to get frozen yogurt. And if you're a straight man, you know how hard it is to get your bros to go on a FroYo field trip.
And with legal same-sex unions on the horizon, you might even get invited to a gay wedding. Gay weddings are like straight weddings, except not as gay. And — we're assuming — you won't have to do the electric slide.
1. Stop being so homophobic and just go.
Slowly (painfully slowly) but surely, our country is learning one universal truth about gay people: they're people. That's it.
You just might have fun at a Pride event. Fun? You know, that thing you haven't had since McDonald's accidently gave you three cheeseburgers instead of two?
And a lot of straight guys think that if they do to go to a gay pride festival, they'll just end up getting hit on the whole time.
Get over yourself, dude.
You're wearing a shirt that's 90% mustard stain and your body is shaped like a ripe avocado. I think the boys will be able to contain themselves.
Just go. Stop worrying about what your friends will think or how you'll get that glitter out of your ear. Take in a new experience and grow from it.
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