On Tuesday, Snoop Dogg will drop by Boca Raton to perform at Sakred Nightclub. That's an odd pairing, Snoop and Boca. The forefather of West Coast gangsta rap and connoisseur of only the stickiest of the icky-icky will mesh with Boca about as well as Mel Gibson on spring break in Jerusalem. Snoop's hometown of Long Beach, California, is a far cry from Boca Raton, both physically and emotionally.
In Long Beach, there are drive-by shootings. In Boca, sometimes the line at Starbucks gets, like, so annoying.
But what a shame it would be for Snoop to fly all this way only to sit in his hotel room, getting high and ordering room service before passing out and dreaming about new and creative ways to spend the mountain of money he's accumulated over the years.
Actually, that doesn't sound too bad.
Still, we have created a little itinerary to help the Doggfather have a good time in the city of silicon and smoothies. So slap on a polo and some salmon-colored Bermuda shorts, Snoop. It's time to take on Boca!
Tuesday, 6 a.m. Arrive at Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport
We think you'll enjoy the Fort Lauderdale airport, Snoop. It's pretty easy to navigate and relatively laid-back. Grab a cinnamon pretzel from Auntie Anne's (the most thuggish of all the pretzels) before you hop into your limo, then tell the driver to head north until he starts to see Ferraris and puffy-lipped women pushing small dogs in strollers.
6:45 a.m. Arrive in Boca Raton; check into Boca Raton Resort and Club
We don't know exactly where you plan on staying, Snoop (we're going to assume it's somewhere with detachable smoke detectors), but we suggest you book a suite at the Boca Raton Resort and Club. This places oozes luxury. Its spa — which offers everything from massages to scrubs — is so soothing, it'll make Dr. Dre giggle like a ticklish hyena.
10:05 a.m. Brunch at Kapow Noodle Bar
You're probably pretty hungry because all you've had to eat today is a pretzel and you are Snoop Dogg, which means you're so high right now that you'd eat a stinky old sock.
Boca is all about brunch. If Boca Raton had a mascot, it would be a 22-year-old white girl black-out drunk on mimosas and scrambled eggs taking obnoxious Snapchats while the waiter tries to pour her more water. Do yourself a favor and order the Captain Crunch French Toast.
3 p.m. Visit the FAU Campus
It's been nine hours since you landed, and by now, that brick of ganja your kind and rigid bodyguard smuggled in his keister has probably run dry. What better place to re-up than a college campus? FAU kids, just like their mascot the owl, like to get real high. So zero in on the kid with the hackey sack and pretend to drop a $50 bill by his feet.
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6 p.m. A preshow beer at the Funky Buddha Lounge
You've got a couple of hours to kill before showtime, so you might as well spend it at the Funky Buddha Lounge, the best thing to ever come out of Boca. (Sorry, Ariana Grande. We're pretty sure you're just 80 percent hair at this point anyway.) We know you're more of a gin and juice kinda guy, Snoop, but give the Hop Gun a day in court and soon enough you'll be in a shirtless argument with a Boca bro.
We do hope you enjoy your stay in Boca, Mr. Dogg, and we apologize in advance for the elderly ladies who won't stop staring at you. Don't litter, and remember: No sudden movements around these white people. They scare easily.