Spawn of Snooki: Top Ten Jersey Lullabies for the MTV Star's Newborn Meatball

Mama Snooks
Mama Snooks

Earlier this week,

Jersey Shore

megastar Nicole Polizzi, better-known as the one and only Snooki, gave

birth to her first son. She nicknamed him "Meatball" and then promptly Tweeted a

birth announcement. 

 
Our time spent watching every episode of Shore back to back

(we don't enjoy it; this is for science, damn it!)

has led us to believe the Snookinator probably don't know shit about raising

kids or keeping a home. Thus, she faces new challenges. How can Snooki make bedtime

snappy so she can still get to the club early enough for that drink special? 


So to help her out, we offer ten Jersey lullabies the MTV star can use to

lull her newborn babe to sleep.

10. The Fugees - "No Woman, No Cry"
It's true: The legendary '90s rap trio hails from neither Jamaica nor Haiti. Wyclef Jean toasted about "rocking a project yard in Jersey" with good reason: All three Fugees -- Jean, Lauryn Hill, and Pras Michael -- pledge allegiance to the Armpit of America.

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9. Benny Goodman - "Jersey Bounce"
The ebullient charm of the Garden State is well-represented in this OG BG burner. Does anybody else think New Jersey is the Florida of the Northeast?

 

8. Chuck Berry - "You Can't Catch Me"
This rock 'n' roll classic details the exploits of a protagonist literally addicted to life in the fast lane and includes a drag race on the New Jersey Turnpike. What Chuck Berry forgot to
mention was how inexplicably bad the highway (all of it) smells. So, we'll tell you now: That shit stank like flamin' hot garbage.

7. Bruce Springsteen - "4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy)"
This is the first suggestion we think Snooki might actually consider when she reads this list after it goes mad viral and gets forwarded to her by her stable of asswipers. Every guidette loves the Boss! And no, we don't mean the Bawse. Most guidettes are scared of him.

6. E-Town Concrete - "There Goes the Neighborhood"
Buckle your seat belts. This one's a doozy. Or we do we mean doody? The following Jersey lullaby comes from E-Town Concrete, a bruise crew that existed at the totally bewildering intersection of NJHC that blended metallic, mosh-oriented hardcore with hip-hop overtones that, in retrospect, was totally proto-nu-metal.

To make matters even Jersey-er, they're covering Body Count, rapper Ice T's own "rap rock"
outfit. And their reworking of the lyrics doesn't make any fucking sense! Three cheers for E-Town Concrete!

 

5. Tom Waits - "Jersey Girl"
Hold on, we're still recovering from that E-Town Concrete madness. Pull up a stool, light a smoke, pour a glass of smoky bourbon, and check out this Tom Waits ballad while we pull ourselves together.

4. "Jersey Girl" ("Barbie Girl" parody)
Or maybe this is the song that definitely definitively defines what it means to be a young woman from New Jersey.

3. Italian Folk Music
All right, we'll cut the bullshit. The real reason we've called you here today is to stage an intervention. Snooki and the cast of Jersey Shore have done more damage to the image of Italian-Americans than The Sopranos and Do the Right Thing combined. And we think
it's time these horny alcoholic greaseballs got back to their roots. 

2. Tiësto and Avicii
J/K! You didn't really think we were serious about cutting the bullshit, did you? Bullshit is our bidness. And bidness is good. Besides, that accordion shit may be folk for the hairy, garlic-loving throngs of Italy. But Ultra-style pop-house-lectro is the folk music of the North American Guidos.

1. Bon Jovi - "Livin' on a Prayer"
We imagine Snooki's bedtime rendition of "Livin' on a Prayer" would sound less like "Rock-a-bye Baby" and more like a karaoke bar in Trenton circa 2 a.m., after nine flirtinis and a handful of muscle relaxers.




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