Dear Drive-Thru Records,
We in Broward County are best-known as a mullet-friendly, white-flight, overgrown suburb. And you, Drive-Thru co-owners, are from New Jersey. Hell, you took your love of Bon Jovi and applied it to mall-punk cuties.
We should be simpatico. Why are you invading us? Broward gave you New Found Glory and Dashboard Confessional, precious national resources that have earned you millions of dollars! We have bent over backward to let our high-schoolers drop out so they can work in your Drive-Thru! And this is how you repay us -- by planning to plunder downtown Fort Lauderdale and unleash hordes of RX Bandits? Don't we have enough drugs and ska? What have we done to you?
I urge you to reconsider or we will be forced to counter-attack with Heatseekers and Biting Pandas. Go ahead -- make our day. If you don't, we'll nail you at the Drive-Thru Records Invasion Tour, starring Home Grown, Allister, the Starting Line, the Early November, and Senses Fail, when it rolls into Venu, 100 SW Third Ave., Fort Lauderdale, at 8 p.m. Wednesday, September 17. Call 954-727-0950.