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Ten Fort Lauderdale Guys You've Probably Dated

Ten Fort Lauderdale Guys You've Probably Dated
Alex Markow

Fort Lauderdale is known for a few things: spring break, boats, the rich people who own the boats, the weird people who work on the boats, backward laws, and great waterfront properties. One thing it's definitely not known for: its dating scene.

While it can often seem that this city is teeming with attractive, successful young professionals, when it comes to actually dating them, we're often at a loss. Resorting to combing dating websites hardly bolsters the spirit. So what's to blame for the disconnect? Are we too busy playing drunk kickball to realize we're missing out on something real? Or are pickings really just that slim?

Every BroCo gal has compromised her ultimate needs to get some toned booty. And ain't nothing wrong with that. But so you don't feel so alone, we've put together a list of guys in the FTL area that you've probably dated, boned, or sexted.

Was it one of these three? If so, you made a mistake leaving.
Was it one of these three? If so, you made a mistake leaving.
Flickr: NBA_Photos

10. The Baller

The Baller, unlike most aspiring athletes, actually went pro. His Pembroke Pines mansion features a life-sized statue of some sort of big cat, probably a tiger. His garage has more cars than Jay Leno's. But you didn't come for the cars; you came for the muscles. Yes, the Baller's got a bod, and you've climbed him like a tree. He'll be your arm candy at a charity event where flashes light the air, but once season comes around or Drake's in town, he disappears. Besides, you don't have much in common with the Baller except that you both like Rick Ross and you both like his pecs.

If the rich old guy you dated looked like Daddy Warbucks, then you'd still be together.
If the rich old guy you dated looked like Daddy Warbucks, then you'd still be together.

9. The Rich Old Guy

You met at Morton's or maybe Bimini Boat Yard. He bought you and your girlfriend drinks from across the bar, even winked at ya. Sure, he was kind of big and definitely balding, but he had a great sense of humor and a very comfortable lifestyle. After a few steak dinners, sunset rides through the Intracoastal on his boat, and maybe even a Tiffany necklace, you had to end things, because no matter which way you looked at it, you just couldn't imagine yourself sweating up the sheets with daddy-o.

 

Yachtie Hottie fixes things, but only till he sets sail again.
Yachtie Hottie fixes things, but only till he sets sail again.
Alex Broadwell

8. The Yachtie

You met him one night at McSorley's after your girlfriends dared you to go talk to him. You were mesmerized by his cute South African accent and bronzed forearms, and from what you could remember, he was a really great kisser. But your relationship was doomed from the beginning, since he was at port for only a month, and picture texts to an African phone number cost about $10 a pop.

7. The Prep School Burnout

He went to Pine Crest School. There, he smoked, and probably sold, copious amounts of marijuana while developing a penchant for popping pills. He may have even gotten a DUI and/or a girl pregnant, all before the age of 18. He then went on to a small liberal arts college on the East Coast before moving back to a well-furnished condo in East Fort Lauderdale. He got his law degree from Nova and still hangs out with all his old friends from Pine Crest. Their preppy style and semblance of togetherness were charming at first, but after a while, you realized that all they ever talked about were the last five times they blacked out at their families' houses in the Keys.

 

You were never as happy as they were with your JDate.
You were never as happy as they were with your JDate.

6. The JDate

You met him after your aunt bought you a JDate subscription for Hanukkah. He was decently cute, well-educated, and extremely polite. You liked his sarcastic sense of humor and how he treated you like a goddess every time you went out. He was also probably pretty generous in bed. But his numerous complexes, self-deprecating tendencies, and rambling rants on everything from Obama to yoga grew tiresome. In a strategic final move, you dumped him right before he took you to meet his parents, who were both prominent psychoanalysts.

Ten Fort Lauderdale Guys You've Probably Dated
JC Vera

5. The Craft Beer Nerd

He works at Laser Wolf, the Funky Buddha Brewery, Tap 42, or a craft beer distributor and prides himself on his extensive brew knowledge. He even makes his own small-batch brews at home and talks your ear off on things like hops and yeast ratios, which you thought was kind of cool at first. Then you just hoped whatever new microbrew he was having you sample had a high-enough ABV to make you both drunk enough so that he'd stop talking and just hook up with you already. He was actually in the act of boring you to death. You broke things off after he took you to a local Oktoberfest wearing actual Lederhosen from Germany.

 

Ten Fort Lauderdale Guys You've Probably Dated
Jipsy

4. Radio-Active Hipster

You met on Record Store Day reaching for the same Jacuzzi Boys LP. He has tattoos, piercings, an edgy haircut, and great taste in music. He might even play in a band or DJ on the weekends. He is passionate and artsy, someone you could hold hands with at the FAT Village Art Walk, get some beers with at Laser Wolf, then go home and bone tenderly after smoking a J. For a while, it was like the two of you were living in a movie, the kind where the two lovers tell the conventional world to fuck itself and live a life of romance and adventure. Then you realized you were both broke, but somehow you kept footing the bill. Plus, there was something weird about the way he kept checking out your older brother.

Ten Fort Lauderdale Guys You've Probably Dated
Alex Markow

3. Fort Lauderdale Beach Bro

He's wearing a shirt with tits on it. Or maybe it just says YOLO! He's never without a plastic cup from Fat Tuesday in one hand, unless he's taking a shot. Why'd you hook up with this guy? Well, you met him at the Elbo Room while hosting your best friend's bachelorette party, and he knew all the words to Tom Petty's "American Girl." Your excuse now? He had pretty eyes? Good teeth? He's happened to everyone. Don't beat yourself up.

 

He loves that pinball machine more than he loves you.
He loves that pinball machine more than he loves you.
Christina Mendenhall

2. The Gamer

He lives with his mom and subsists off a steady diet of chicken fingers and Coke. You met him on a night out downtown, perhaps Dicey Riley's, and thought his boyish cluelessness was sort of cute, like a puppy is cute. He was a fixer-upper, a project, like, with a new wardrobe and a little elbow grease, this dude could be really something! You quickly caught on that he learned everything he knows about sex from watching porn and took all of his social cues from the gaming world. You also realized it was dumb to believe him when he said he had a four-month plan that involved moving out of his mom's and going back to school to learn computer programming.

1. The Las Olas Power Lawyer

Much like the J Date, the Las Olas Power Lawyer/Banker looks good on the surface, and heck, he even has the brains to keep you entertained for a while. But deep down, he is often depressed, self-loathing, and invariably searching for deeper meaning in his life. This can lead to excessive alcohol consumption. Which is totally OK, unless he starts to spiral downward. He came home from work every day after 9 with a glazed-over look in his eyes and the smell of whiskey emanating from his pores. You realized that he'd probably been drinking since before noon and that he has way too much on his mind to successfully entertain anything other than his own ego... like, say, you.




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