Ten Things We'd Like to See in New Chapters of R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet
Thirty-three chapters of the epic "hip hopera" Trapped in the Closet are evidently not enough. The song that never ends, written and performed by R. Kelly, where he sings every character's dialogue and action in E major, endures with new chapters coming in 2014, according to IFC.
To celebrate, the cable network showed all 33 chapters last Saturday. Rewatching it in its entirety, I have absolute faith that R. Kelly will continue on the divine path of awesomeness and awfulness that has made Trapped in the Closet such a masterpiece. Just in case Kells forgot what made Trapped such a classic, here is a checklist of ten things we would like to see in the new chapters.
1. A Recap
In the beginning of chapter 13, R. Kelly reminded us what came before. With 20 more chapters passing, we could use a refresher.
Foreigner w/ Cheap Trick and Jason Bonham's Led Zeppelin Experience
TicketsTue., Aug. 1, 7:00pm
Double Feature: Straight No Chaser/Scott Bradlee's Postmodern Jukebox
TicketsTue., Aug. 1, 7:30pm
Blondie & Garbage: The Rage and Rapture Tour
TicketsTue., Aug. 8, 7:00pm
Guns N' Roses: Not In This Lifetime Tour
TicketsTue., Aug. 8, 7:00pm
Lionel Richie: All The Hits With Very Special Guest Mariah Carey
TicketsThu., Aug. 10, 7:00pm
2. More R. Kelly Commentary
The only thing better than watching Trapped in the Closet is taking advantage of the special feature on the DVD that allows you to watch R. Kelly watch himself in Trapped in the Closet and comment on his own brilliance. Even better, he smokes a cigar while being impressed by himself.
3. Keep the Beat Going Throughout
Like all fans of Porky Pig, I enjoy Pimp Lucius' stuttering, but what makes Trapped special is the song and the lyrics never stop except when Pimp Lucius stutters. He beat that pony to death. Keep the song going in these chapters.
4. Bring Back Some Old Friends
It's been too long since we've seen Sgt. James, Bridget, and Big Man. Sure the actor who played Sgt. James made it big playing Omar on The Wire and Chalkie in Boardwalk Empire, but we need him back.
5. More Cliffhanger Endings to Chapters
Who can forget the surprise endings of Bridget's lover being a midget or the Pastor cheating on his wife with a man? The best part is the look on R. Kelly's face pretending to be stunned by whatever bombshell he himself dropped.
We've had infidelities and double infidelities of straight, gay, lesbian, and the vertically challenged variety. I want someone to be trapped in the closet about their love for livestock. R. Kelly singing as a sheep would be brilliant.
7. Continued Pop Culture References From the '90s
It makes us old-timers feel hip when R. Kelly drops insults like calling a character LL Fool J and name checking En Vogue not once but twice.
8. Less R. Kelly
Much as I enjoy Kells portraying a multitude of characters from Sylvester to Pimp Lucius to Randolph the old man who sleeps in his socks, he needs to tone it down. My favorite part of the first 12 chapters was not being sure if R. Kelly was in on the joke or was taking this seriously. Turning this into a musical version of an Eddie Murphy movie where he plays every character tips his hat.
9. More Ethnic Stereotypes
I know racial profiling is wrong, but there is a certain bliss to the way R. Kelly imbues all his characters with the most obvious stereotypical accents. Joey, the Italian mobster and Bridget the Southern white woman are as politically incorrect as you could hope. Perhaps these next chapters could have a meal at a Chinese restaurant or a visit by a rabbi?
10. A Guest Appearance by Tommy Wiseau
Trapped's only competition for a work of art that is sublime in its ridiculousness is The Room, which also is heavily influenced by soap operas. So it only makes sense that The Room's auteur, Tommy Wiseau, could have a guest spot in this magnificent hip hopera.
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