The Five Worst Holiday Albums of All Time

Somehow this turned out to be a bad album. We don't get it either.
Somehow this turned out to be a bad album. We don't get it either.

As Frank Sinatra and Mariah Carey's holiday ouvres are hitting critical velocity, we got a little curious about all the holiday hits left by the wayside. Given how bad a lot of popular holiday music is (not to be a Grinch), it seems like the Christmas singles judged unlistenable would be pretty awful... right? Well, after a little poking around, we've compiled five of the world's most disastrous, heinous pieces of holiday cheer. And yes, they're a bigger disaster than an eggnog gallon challenge.

5. New Kids on the Block - Merry, Merry Christmas
This one is

probably closer to the conventional definition of "music" than any other

album on the list, so it's a start. I can't say much more than that.

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This is a pretty obvious attempt to capitalize off 1989 tweens and

parents who desperately want to reconnect with them. The bridge in

"Last Night I Saw Santa Claus" also sounds just like "Cheeseburger in

Paradise," which is pretty funny for some reason.

4. Raul Malo - Marshmallow World & Other Favorites
First

of all, I think Malo is way too liberal throwing around the term

"favorite" if "Marshmallow World" falls anywhere near the criteria. For

some reason, this one is somewhat popular on iTunes, so maybe people

really love marshmallows? Or they just love the holidays so much that

they'll listen to anything with sleigh bells? I dunno. This one is way

over my head.

3. Various Artists - Latin Christmas
Just to

start, this thing is $14.99. That's $2 more than "Abbey Road," or a

whopping 13 percent. Now, would I consider it 13 percent better than "Abbey Road"?

No. Would I even really consider it music? Not really. Although this one delivers classic holiday hits such as "Hoy Te Toca Reis" and "Tomare Tu Mano," it sounds more like Wing

than anything else I can really come up with. So for big Wing fans,

this might be up your alley. Otherwise, I'd probably stick with Tito

Puente.

2. Various Artists - Kids Rap'n the Christmas Hits
This

is one of the worst things I've ever heard. It's almost offensive in

its complete lack of value and transparent exploitation of the holidays.

The raps are abominable, and the children's choir is consistently

off-key. The production value (or lack thereof) makes me fear the

children's choir was a group of sweatshop workers in North Korea. I just

want to cry thinking about a family that actually puts this on while

opening presents or preparing the holiday ham.

1. Meco Monardo - Christmas in the Stars

All right,

so this album combines two of the world's most lucrative ideas ever:

Stars Wars and Christmas. It's also pretty awesome, to be completely

honest. The mixture of aliens, robots, and Christmas cheer is crazy cute,

and I like the idea of Christmas on the DeathStar. Just imagine the

Storm Troopers gathered around a giant tree, Vader putting on the star

using the force. I give mad props to the marketing exec with the gall to

push this through the works.

So why is it on the list?

Considering how awesome Christmas and Star Wars are, the expectations

for such a confluence is so high that anything would be an entire letdown. I can't stress how awesome this album is, and it's still somehow

disappointing. It even features Bon Jovi's first professional recording

ever. That's not a typo. Bon Jovi's debut is on "Christmas in the Stars."

And it's with R2-D2. Mind-blowing.

Still,

for me to be happy, this should have been more enjoyable than a

combination of Disney World, an iPad, and Michael Jordan wrapped in

bacon. And it wasn't quite there.


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