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The Six Worst Drug-Seekers You'll Meet at a Concert

Pookie head, I no want your drugs.
Pookie head, I no want your drugs.
Ian Witlen

We've all been there. You're standing in the crowd, just trying to enjoy a show. Then you get a tap on the shoulder, and suddenly, you're a drug dealer! You've been thrust into an illegal interaction by some creep with a hankering for Molly, Tina, or Mary Jane, depending on the performing act.

It happens a lot, and it's about as annoying as that girl in front of you who dances like a chicken and won't put down her phone. If that scenario sounds at all familiar, chances are you've had to deal with at least one of the following pain-in-the-ass concertgoers who were jonesing for some druging. Read on.

The David Blaine

He values secrecy over everything, and he's spent years perfecting the art of not getting noticed. He's got all the sleight of hand moves down: The $20-bill-handshake, the fist-bump-knuckle-transfer, the ass-slap-crack-grab, the under-the-tongue-make-out-pill-swap.

Pretty soon he's just going to make two pills materialize out of your asshole, and twenty minutes later you'll find $40 in your left pocket.

How did he do that?

The Pawn Star

$30? Best he can do is $12 and a half-eaten churro he picked out of the trashcan in Rhianna's dressing room. This guy will haggle until the show is over, and he seems to oddly enjoy it.

But more often than not, his greed is his downfall, and now the only way he'll catch a buzz is if he can get close enough to the stage to get a contact-high from Snoop Dogg (Snoop Lion? Snoop Abdul-Jabbar? Can't keep up with these names).

The Six Worst Drug-Seekers You'll Meet at a Concert
Nate "Igor" Smith

The Kim Kardashian

She doesn't contribute anything, but somehow you'll find her in every weed circle at the concert. You can spot her on the outskirts, pushing out her chest like an aggressive gorilla, using her nipples like crowbars to try and pry her way closer to free drugs.

She's a humdrum taker, but her presence will be tolerated -- even encouraged -- because her shorts are exposing the bottom third of a very fleshy and glittery butt.

The Navy Seal

The second you make eye contact with this sketchy marine, his hands go into a frenzy. This guy is all about non-verbal communication.

He's tapping his nose, winking, wiping his forehead, tugging his earlobe. I can't tell if this guy just asked for cocaine or told the blue team to take the shot.

The Six Worst Drug-Seekers You'll Meet at a Concert
Nate "Igor" Smith

The Walter White

He's dressed like a chemistry teacher: khaki slacks, a tucked in button down, practical sneakers. And when he taps you on the shoulder you think he's going to ask if you've seen his daughter.

But this man wants drugs. And he's going to use the most outdated jargon possible to get it.

"Hey, homey. Think I could snag a few doobs from ya' while I drop some dough on your noggin."

What? Did this old guy just try to buy drugs or threaten to sit on your face?

The Michael Jordan

"I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

Michael Jordan said that, and this guy takes that advice to heart. He will go up to everyone and ask for the hookup: you, your friends, roadies, security guards. I even think I saw him try to give ten bucks to a slow squirrel.

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