So you and Trent just crushed an extraordinarily prodigious calf workout after successfully sneaking into LA Fitness. You're on your way to scoop Doug from his house when you get a text from McKinley saying he just found a debit card on the ground.
It's Saturday. The sun is out. The hair is gelled. You know what time it is.
It's time for a bro-crawl. And only the best Fort Lauderdale bro bars will make the cut.
Let's get it, bro.
10. Lulu's Bait Shack
All proper bro-crawls start off at the beach, and this one is no different. It's half past noon, and the boys are already slurping their way through their second fishbowl, a Bait Shack specialty.
Lulu's Bait Shack fishbowls are great for several reasons: (1) They contain high amounts of sugar, so you can have the energy to bro-out out for extended periods of time, (2) they feel like they're not regulated by the FDA, and (3) you're allowed to keep 'em when you're finished. They make great souvenirs, and McKinley keeps his grandfather's ashes in one.
After the third and final fishbowl, it's time for the bros to all conveniently go to the bathroom at the same time to skip out on the tab. By the time the server realizes you ain't coming back for the check, the bros will be elbow-deep at the next stop on the bro-crawl.
9. Elbo Room
Get it? Elbow-deep at the Elbo Room? Bro jokes are an essential part of any bro-crawl, so you'll want to rewatch no fewer than two Dane Cook comedy specials before the bro-crawl begins.
Anyway, back to the bro-crawl. The Elbo Room is old-school Fort Lauderdale, bro. It's probably where your bro-ass dad took your hot-ass mom on their first date, and they probably most definitely made out in the bathroom, as epic yet uncomfortable as that is to think about.
At this point in the bro-crawl, Trent is trying to pay for a round of Bud Light Platinums with his high school I.D. (which any good bro keeps handy for mad postgrad discounts), and McKinley is asking girls if they're "ready for the spaghetti," so it's best to get to the next stop quickly and without this happening.
Round up, bros! Time for the next stop!
8. Dirty Blondes
Dirty Blondes is the quintessential bro bar. It's got everything a good bro needs: cheap beer, occasional violence, a shirtless Richie Incognito shouting obscenities at the top of his lungs.
Upon your first gorgeous breath of Old Spice and Bud Light Lime, you'll feel like you died and went to bro heaven (AKA GNC).
But a bro's gotta be careful around Dirty Blondes, and it's best to keep this stop to 30 minutes or less. Get too comfortable and the bro-crawl will be cut short via a beach beating.
Stick and move, bros.
7. Hott Leggz
Hott Leggz has all the bro essentials: Z's where S's should be, dim lighting, a shitload of TVs, and dollar bills stapled to the wall (which you can totally take while everyone is distracted with all those TVs).
It's a great place to fuel up on seafood and vodka while you develop a game plan for picking up chicks. (Step one: Find a way to remove the smell of seafood and vodka from your face area.)
After getting crabs (not the painful kind, bro), it's time for the bros to migrate inland like the horny antelope of years past.
One of the biggest misconceptions about bros is that they're all heterosexual. Not true. Bros come in all shapes and sizes.
And as the day turns to night, the bros find themselves at Ramrod, because everyone made a joint New Year's resolution to be more accepting toward McKinley's sexual preferences, no matter how gay they may be.
And as far as gay bars go, Ramrod is pretty straight. Ramrod is not the place you go to sip on a prickly pear martini and talk about emotions and stuff. Ramrod is a leather bar. It's where you go to meet other bros who want to get down to business.
This place is teeming with leather-bound bros, bulging biceps, and Hairy Areolas.
(Hairy Areolas is the Greek doorman at Ramrod. He's good people; buy him a Redbull and ask him about that one time he saw Charlie Crist in the bathroom dressed as Elizabeth Taylor.)
After two drinks, it's time for the bros to keep the party rolling, because the chicks are waiting, and their collective erections are making the bros have to face some very difficult, suppressed emotions.
Capones is great if you love to have butt cheeks pressed against your collarbone while an anonymous bartender does her best to pour a mystery liquid in or near your mouth.
So, let's say that again: Capones is great.
With bartenders in lingerie, a dance floor where borderline illegal things happen, and shots that taste like fireman sweat, Capones is truly a bar where bros feel at home.
But unfortunately, a no hats or tank-top rule makes it literally impossible for most bros to enter. It's like Burger King refusing to serve customers with neck tattoos. It makes literally negative sense, bro!
And as you, Trent, Doug, and Mckinley all stand outside -- bare arms and fresh Miami Heat snapbacks glistening in the moonlight -- it's time to improvise.
4. Cyn Nightclub
Stumbling up to the doors of Cyn Nightclub is sure to be disorienting for the bros. What the hell happened to Off the Hookah? That place was a bro paradise! The loud music ensured conversation was limited exclusively to fistbumps and the access to hookah offered bros the opportunity to practice sweet smoke tricks such as the smoke ring or the Donald Trump (that's a highly advanced maneuver in which one proceeds to blow smoke out of their ass for his entire adult life).
Even Miami Dolphin bro Derrick Shelby loved Off the Hookah.
But, alas, after 17 rum and cokes, it'll all start to look the same, and the bros will be none the wiser.
Hurry, 5 a.m. is rapidly approaching!
3. Dicey Riley's
At this point, you're gonna want to keep things simple, and since the only person who's doing anything that resembles walking right now is Trent (cocaine does wonders for a bro's agility), the next stop on the bro-crawl is just a block away.
Dicey Riley's has plenty of beer and usually hosts a live band that has an endless set list of essential bro sing-alongs. They play "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey, and "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey, and also "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey. Actually, come to think of it, they only play "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey, which is awesome. Because every bro knows "Don't Stop Believin'" never gets old, and everyone loves to hear you sing along. You're at the home stretch, bro; don't stop now!
2. Public House
Even though this alleged "Public" House took you 45 minutes to get into (bouncers always be discriminating against womenless bros), the wait is worth it. Public House is one of the best places in Fort Lauderdale to find the perfect female bro.
Female bros are easy to spot. They're checking Instagram 87 percent of the time, they are always mad at their sister, and they're named Ashley.
But the clock is ticking, and you didn't come this far to pass out before the finish line. Separate Doug and Ashley using one or several shiny objects, and walk a few blocks to the bro-crawl's final destination.
1. America's Backyard
You did it. You made it to the Broly Mecca: America's Backyard.
We were worried about you, bros. For a second there, it looked like you were gonna lose Trent at the Elbo Room. And McKinley looked like a goner at Dicey's when he tried to steal that old guy's shoe. But you bros made it all the way through the bro-crawl.
Now you get to enjoy the great plains of Backyard. Fist-pump your way over to the main bar and order a round of Fireball shots. Post something tasteless on Facebook while you wait in line for the bathroom.
You are now officially a Fort Lauderdale bro. And bros were born to be free.
Follow Ryan Pfeffer on Twitter, Bro
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