Oh, Hollywood, Florida, that mysterious land just north of the Miami madness. It has its fair share of lovable freaks. Some of us here at County Grind call it home, and we're endlessly intrigued by its curious mix of characters.
To know the city is to know its people, and through some intensive people-watching exercises, we've narrowed it down to ten "types" that inhabit Hollywood's parts. Admittedly, we've generalized a bit, but we can definitely say that everyone there is at least a variation of one of these archetypes, ourselves included.
10. The FAU Bro
This tanned and gelled guy is probably studying something ambiguous like "management" and credits himself as way more hip than he really is.
His wardrobe consists mostly of buttoned-down shirts that are almost two times too tight, backward snapbacks, and bold-font T's that he most likely wears unironically, though sometimes it's hard to tell. He packs a bowl with his crew almost every night, and despite his seemingly simple vocabulary and his generally one-dimensional conversation skills, he has an impressive vernacular in all things weed and is passionately dedicated to the various ways to smoke it, pack it, and bake it.
And don't get him started on the different types! He probably knows more variations of MJ than could name state capitals. He loves EDM and popular '90s bands, thus proclaiming "'Smells Like Teen Spirit' is like the sickest song, bro."
9. The Granny Cinephiles
Pretty much the best subgroup in the magical land of Hollywood, these ladies never miss a good flick. They love to gather up the homies and hit up Oakwood Plaza for the new Woody Allen movie around 3 in the afternoon. Their taste is varied but always good. The girls sure know how to pick 'em! We Need to Talk About Kevin, Blue Jasmine, Dallas Buyers Club, and American Hustle are among some of the films you can enjoy in their company. They travel in clumps and admittedly look good in their long-sleeved floral tops from the Gap. After getting their cinema fix for the day, they'll often have some supper at TGI Fridays with the young'uns, though they'll grimace at how loud it is.
8. Circa 2005 Scene Kids
This group leapt straight out of MySpace and onto Hollywood Boulevard. They invade the ArtsPark at Young Circle with their lip rings and teased hair. Sauntering about in with their Warped Tour tees, time and space itself seems to bend. They congregate at Starbucks, parental cash in pocket ("For the food trucks, Mom!") to buy some dank weed from a 19-year-old they know in a ska band. Unless they're straight edge; then they just buy coffee.
7. 48 and Ready to Date
These singles are nearing 50 and won't waste any more time. They are perpetually sunburnt and lookin' for love in the smoking section. They rock an armband tattoo or two, and they love to get wasted on Coronas. Women and men alike, this type lingers outside of bars like Shenanigans till the wee hours. Their smokers' cough acts as a mating call, and everyone goes home lucky. Could it be love? They'll have to wait to find out on their date at the next Guns N' Roses show.
6. The Band Dad
Though he could definitely be friends with the above, he takes himself far more seriously. So what if he's settled, locked down at a steady job, and started a family? That doesn't mean he can't still ROCK OUT with his fellow Band Dads! His wife lets him practice with his friends far too often, and they take as many gigs as they can get. Playing bars in Lake Worth and Boca, he jams out to "the classics" while his friends and spouse get steadily drunk. Because guess what? They got a babysitter, bitches.
5. The Stay-at-Home Stoners
This category may or may not go out to my neighbors. 'Sup, guys? Just kidding. They wouldn't read this. Anyway, these are the people who see the daylight only when they emerge from their houses to meet with a dealer in a heavily tinted car parked out front. The whole situation always seems a lot more suspicious than it is, but they are definitely just buying weed. They might give off sketchy vibes, but when it comes down to it, they're just a bunch of lazy potheads hanging around all day, probably watching Fast Five whilst perfecting their smoke rings. Harmless.
4. Bus Stop Junkies
Now these guys, they're on a whole other level. They mess with some hard shit, to be frank. Loitering about the bus stops, they get uncomfortably close and reek of an unidentifiable stench. Some of them yell; others talk to the air. And it's not like they're homeless, oh no. One particular man -- a personal favorite -- dances to an iPod almost every afternoon. And to be honest, he's got some moves. These folks are just loaded the hell up on Lord knows what. Looking like Breaking Bad extras, we can't help but wonder where they're headed on the off chance they actually step onto a bus.
These guys want to be cross-county commuters but are too damned lazy and unproductive to do it themselves. They constantly badger others to see, "Yo, you headed down South tonight?" because they carry the mindset that their problem is obviously and inherently someone else's responsibility. With these guys, there seems to always be something wrong with their car, so they're in constant need of a ride to hit up Mansion or Space. They are straight-up leeches, and if you help them out once, they will never, ever stop hitting you up.
2. The Mysterious Broward Hipster
Elusive as can be, the Broward hipsters exist in the shadows. Mostly, they hibernate at home, anxiously waiting for Netflix to put Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind back online. Their presence in Hollywood is transient, as they often slide through to Fort Lauderdale or Lake Worth instead, in search of Radio-Active Records or Coastars Coffee Bar, where they'll sit in the corner reading Lolita. Perhaps a few nights, if you look closely enough, you can find them begrudgingly sipping a PBR at PRL.
1. The Fab Homegirl
Traveling in troupes of at least eight, these girls love to go out to Oakwood on Saturday nights, luring their brother's older friends to buy them Coke Icees for six dollars. If they're not catching the new Step Up movie, they're most likely watching some hackneyed horror film. Throughout the whole thing, they'll shout out things about how "dis bitch" shouldn't go in "that sketchy-ass building" and how "ho had it coming" when she gets killed off.
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