Friday, May 11, 2012 at 7:19 a.m.
The Thrust Felt 'Round The World
On the season-two finale of NBC's The Voice on Tuesday night, millions of viewers across America tuned in to see who would be crowned the next up-and-coming vocalist of our time.
And, although the show is mighty addictive, we can't help but wonder where season one's reigning champ, Javier Colon, ended up. In addition to the announcement of winner Jermaine Paul (we're sour because we were rooting for Florida rocker chick Juliet Simms), the show was flanked by performances from the show's Final Four contenders, along with cameos by Flo Rida, Hall and Oates, Lady Antebellum, and the one and only Justin Bieber.
The current Prince of Pop debuted his first live performance of new single "Boyfriend," and The Voice
crowd lost its marbles. But a show with such a diverse following ensures that the Bieber Effect was felt nationwide, through many a hot-and-bothered household -- especially after Biebs grabbed his crotch and pumped twice for the hump seen 'round the world. The barely legal sex symbol commanded heart palpitations from many a viewer. Here's who we think he most likely hypnotized with his lusty thrust.
1. Horny Virgin Tweens
OK, it's quite obvious that Biebs has a disgustingly large fan base of underaged female fanatics. Much like the Hansonsites and JoBroers before him, these are the girls who DVR'd Bieber's performance on The Voice, only to rewind "Boyfriend" over and over again, just to watch The Bieb Thrust.
They're scared yet excited, because there's something stirring inside them down below, but they're just a tad too young to acknowledge that tingling sensation just yet. Keep on Beliebin', girls; it'll happen soon enough.
2. Lustful Men and Women
There's something to be said about moms and gays out there taking pop culture a bit too seriously. Now that Biebs is of legal age, they feel their discussion of Biebs in public, on Facebook, and via Twitter is more acceptable.
And, while they are still preoccupied with waiting for his voice to drop (along with his boy parts), most likely, conversations are revolving around his latest haircut. With bangs or feathered, it doesn't really matter. Bieber's virtual bang bang caught the attention in their True Religions and housecoats, there's no doubt about that.
3. Fifty Shades of Greyers
We all know about these people. They're most likely the ones who took Bieber's gesture to heart. An insane asylum of sex addicts couldn't measure up to the amount of Shadesters out there squirming over Bieber's boom boom pow. Their imaginations are ripe and filthy, and after reading the three-book series, they're now yearning for a replacement to fill the void as they mourn over their loss of Christian Grey from their nightly bedtime-story kinks.
The only way Biebs could've bettered that performance was with a silver necktie and some leather handcuffs. Sorry, ladies; he's a bit too young for that yet.
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