Top 20 Signs You Spend Too Much Time in Fort Lauderdale
For 20-somethings and young-at-heart 30-somethings, Fort Lauderdale is brimming with more nightlife options than ever. Sure, the city still has a reputation for wife-swapping and wasted frat guys, but with the emergence of places like the FAT Village Arts District, Radio-Active Records, the Bubble, and Funky Buddha Brewery, indie-loving club types have many more hobnob options than just slugging three-for-ones at a Himmarshee dive and cursing Miami.
With so many options to choose from, one doesn't have to leave the 954 anymore, instead leaving us to overfrequent local haunts and develop an incestuous Broward County frame of mind. Could you be in that holding pattern?
Have you ever said: "Screw Wynwood. I'd rather just chill at Laser Wolf and check out what's going down at the Bubble." Has it been months since you've traveled north of Commercial Boulevard? If so, then you, my friend, may just be guilty of Fort Laudy abuse. What follows are indicators that you have a Fort Liquordale problem.
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1. When walking to the Poorhouse to check out your friend's band, you'll bump into five or more people you've slept with.
2. Speaking of the Poorhouse, you've grown immune to the funk that emanates from its bathroom.
3. You are a straight guy but in a drunken stupor you've ended up at gay club in search for something or somebody named Tina.
4. You've sampled everything on tap this month at Laser Wolf and are already anticipating next month's limited-release sour beer.
5. You've partied with Dennis Rodman on more than one occasion.
6. It is not unusual for you to use "Ft. La-di-da-di," "Ft. Lawdy," or "Ft. Liquordale" when texting friends on your whereabouts.
7. You've cursed not being able to make a left on Sunrise Boulevard going north on Federal Highway, but it's cool -- you usually just end up at Laser Wolf sipping on a craft brew to calm down.
8. You have taken many a date to Bimini Bay in hopes that the porn movies screening will get them "in the mood."
9. You are a girl, and you urinate by the train tracks coming out of Green Room (now referred to as Stache) on the reg to avoid long lines.
10. You have a legitimate "OMG, I was trolling so hard at the Edge this one time" story.
11. You've been beaten up by bouncers at Blondie's.
12. Speaking of scuffles, you've gotten in a few skirmishes with drunken frat guys at Fat Cat's.
13. You've never missed one of Fort Lauderdale's infamous walks. Like SantaCon is more important to you than Christmas itself, and you already have makeup set aside for next year's Zombie Walk. And the Day of the Dead? Well, that's just a sacred day for you.
14. Your grandparents lost a fortune in a Ponzi scheme.
15. You didn't own one single piece of vinyl last year, but now thanks to recommendations from Radio-Active's Mikey Ramirez, you've amassed a respectable collection.
16. You were an extra in Flight of the Navigator and/or Rock of Ages.
17. You are still talking about how great Roxannes was and still receive texts from that one goth guy you had a one-night stand with that you met there.
18. You sincerely believe FAT Village to be the next Wynwood.
19. You are into cosplay (or are a furry) and can easily find a cosplay event or two to attend every week.
20. While on the subject of kinky, you've openly made fun of swingers but have secretly been to a fetish party, engaged in an S&M sesh with complete strangers, actually enjoyed it, and now own a pair of skin-tight latex pants.
Bonus: You have sold artwork/T-shirts/puppets/hot dogs at a pop-up craft show.
Follow Alex Rendon@AlexAnomalous
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