The fun continues on this third installment of the Top 20 Worst Bands of All Time, and by now you should be fully aware of just how scientific our approach and methods are on these digital pages. Paired with our impeccable pedigree as South Florida's end-all/be-all of music, you know you've got yourself a winner. Or at least a chuckle. Fuck it, we'll even take you looking busy at work.
10. Blind Melon
Before any of you hate-mongers start spouting your evil filth, we have nothing whatsoever against the poor little girl in the video. Not only is that age awkward but we know poor Heather DeLoach, now in her late 20s, has never bee(n) able to live down that damned video. Oh, the horror, the horror.
While cocaine took the life of singer Shannon Hoon in 1995 and subsequently the entire band in 1999, after a long hiatus, we are shit out of luck. The boys got back together again in 2006 with the equally shitty Travis Warren of Rain Fur Rent fame.
I had the opportunity of meeting and interviewing Davey Havok, Adam Carson, and Geoff Kresge when AFI performed at Cheers in Miami. They were swell dudes who were full of jokes and nice stories about life on the road. Their first two albums, as well as a handful of EPs (and the legendary This Is Berkeley, Not West Bay seven-inch compilation) were solid records. I remember them telling me the band name stood for "Asking for It."
Time goes by and things get gothic-y and dark, and all of a sudden, there is "a fire inside" and things get superweird in an OMG, Davey Havok is the Tiger Beat equivalent of the Hot Topic set. WTF? Can someone please explain what in Sam Hell exactly was that fiasco titled Black Sails in the Sunset, and why exactly did it need to involve a member of the Offspring?
08. Duran Duran
Number one: The usage of the word fab applies only to the Beatles, not these dumbasses who made somewhat passable tracks a millennium ago. Number two: If you thank your fans and influences like this, this means you fucking hate your fans and your influences.
If Thatcher had been in charge in 1995, this steaming pile of 3-day-old human fecal matter would've never happened. We actually apologize for posting the video, but sometimes you have to look fully into the bowels of hell to appreciate even the thinnest sliver of heaven.
This technically allows Chuck D to legally murder five white persons.
07. The Grateful Dead
We couldn't help ourselves, but what easier target could there be out there in the world of music than these fucking hippies, who, even years after the fact, continue inspiring trustatarians and their offspring? Well, maybe Phish, but our colleagues over at the LA Weekly already crowned those fools at number 17.
Well, now these fuckers want to sell you shit. Go figure. We also appreciate the fact that most major Deadheads thrive on pointing out what a calamity it was for the band to have the song above be their only mainstream hit since it clearly is "very weak." It also happens to be the one Grateful Dead song we happen to tolerate once a year in the office.
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When Wikipedia describes a band as "American adult contemporary boy band," you know you've stepped into something foul. Since we can't fully list all of their peers here since it would take up the entire list, we will single out these douchebags for being who they were at the time that they were doing this and for introducing to the world the Nick Lachey problem.
We can only hope their hiatus continues until their deaths. Things we've never understood: Why would Motown sign them, and why would Jessica Simpson part her delightful thighs for this pole smoker? Ahh, the mysteries of the world!