Top 5 Worst People at a Heavy Metal Show

Imagine the taste of that hair in your mouth.
Imagine the taste of that hair in your mouth.
Mike Rice

By and large, the heavy metal community boasts fans that are passionate, fun individuals that know how to cut loose. Metal fans have shown themselves to be some of the most supportive and loyal of any genre, sometimes sticking by bands despite years of subpar albums, major lineup changes, and childish, public infighting (We're looking at you, big 4).

Despite all of this positivity, metal shows are an environment that breed some unbelievably obnoxious behavior: Drinks are flowing, there's encouraged mayhem everywhere, and etiquette is often lost in the aether of blast beats and tremolo-picked shred. And God dammit, you're all grown-ups and we're getting real tired of your shit. So, here's a list of the five worst people you'll find at every metal show. Stop it.

1. The Mosh Bro

It's 2014. Not every heavy metal fan lives his or her life in a black uniform or a relic of a Cannibal Corpse shirt, and obviously that's fine. However, odds are if there's a dude at the metal show and he's rockin' a pair of those plaid "underwear on the outside" shorts, he's going to be a pain in the ass until security gives him the boot or some Undertaker looking motherfucker squashes him.

This dude's shirt will be off by the second track of the set and he's going to try really hard to get you to mosh, no matter how far away from the splash zone you are. This is most likely because this individual doesn't go to shows frequently and is so overwhelmed by the sights and sounds that he simply cannot control the testosterone rushing into his sheltered, suburban brain, and will mosh anything in reach.


2. Long Hair, No Care

Head-banging is great. The metal videos of yore would be nothing without a sea of head banging miscreants attempting to break their own necks to sound, and long hair is a necessity for proper head-banging. That said, if you haven't cut your hair since the members of Metallica cut theirs in 1996, make sure you're not slapping your fellow fan in the face with that shit. I don't want to eat your weave. No one does. There's that forward 'bang move that Cliff Burton used to do -- maybe go with that.

Top 5 Worst People at a Heavy Metal Show
Ian Witlen

3. Too Drunk to Mosh

This is a character found at shows in every genre, but in the context of a metal show, can become an absolute nightmare. If you drank yourself into a walking coma, you have no business in the middle of a horde of crazed metal fans. Take your sloppy ass outside and know the limit before you make yourself a burden to your fellow fans. Because you will get clocked in the head by a stray mosh assault, and then the show'll have to be stopped for security to extract you from the middle of the crowd and wipe the drool from your chin.


4. The Hardware Store

Though less prominent in today's metal scene, the leather warrior aesthetic still pops up from time to time because metal fans love to live in the past. And the past is really the only time where you still have a shot of picking up a dude or lady while wearing a gauntlet festooned with spikes. We applaud you, because we know it does take some level of dedication to look like an extra from Mad Max (that shit ain't cheap). But if you accidentally bump into my ribs one more time with whatever bit hardware you've wrapped around your wrists, I'm going to eat your lungs Big Lurch style.

Top 5 Worst People at a Heavy Metal Show
Ian Witlen

5. The Stage Potato

Alright, you successfully crowd-surfed your way to the stage and are standing next to your favorite metal band. You're in their element, a part of the magic, and you're now so overcome with excitement that all you can do is stand there and throw up the horns while looking back to the audience for encouragement. We're all very happy for you and your moment, but could you please hurry up and get off the fucking stage before the venue's minions are forced to do it for you? You're a boner kill and you're breaking the fourth wall.

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