Whether it be spoiling a film to a friend ("Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time! Oh, you didn't see..."), bringing a fussy baby to any public place ever, or using the term "bro" or "dude" as punctuation at the end of your sentences, all of these actions deserve the response of three words: You're an asshole.
We could quote Dennis Leary and list off the many a-hole actions people make in life, but instead of quoting that asshole, we're making a list of our own. At our recent visit to Lollapalooza, it became clear what it means to suck at a show. Though we had a wonderful time, there were certainly a few people out to ruin our fun. Here, we document the five grandest annoying gestures we spotted this past weekend in Chicago. These activities make you a total jerk, and not just at Lolla, but at all festivals. Try to avoid them at all costs.
Side note: Calling people assholes makes you an asshole. We get that.
5. Snaking through crowd to get to the front row
We aren't living in a pixelated Nokia phone circa 2000 (Snake reference!), nor are we preschoolers who must hold hands when taking a trip to the bathroom. So, cut the shit. Nobody likes the chain gang of pushies who decide to be late to a show and still expect to get front row standing. Get to your acts on time, and if you didn't make it to the front of the stage or plan out your day accordingly. Let others relish in your tardiness. Get to the back of the line.
4. Talking during a set
People all over the world came to Chicago's Grant Park not to hear Jack White, Frank Ocean, or At the Drive-In. Nope. Festival goers flooded the streets of Chicago, survived an evacuation, and withstood three days of excruciating heat, sun, and pain to hear you chatter. If you are not singing a chorus -- shut it.
3. Recording during a show with your cellphone
The cellphone. Oh, the cellphone. This is a wonderful tool. It allows you to do all these amazing and hip things. You can update your Facebook status (bragging about the show), send a tweet or text -- these little guys even allow you to take photos and shoot video. What a wonder.
Sure, it'll be grand to show all of your friends at home how close to or far from the stage you were. Forget the live stream of nearly every show on the Lollapalooza YouTube channel. These videos are not, by any means, produced by individuals who do this sort of thing for a living. Nope. Your friends will prefer that Blair Witch Project-inspired production done by your shaking hand. We're talking true Martin Scorsese shit.
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Put the phone away. Live in the moment. And watch the other ass-pains record videos that will most likely never go viral let alone ever be watched again.
2. Wearing Jeans
1. Random assortment of oddities hung from sticks
The amount of people and phones at festivals make cell reception impossible to find. If you're lucky, you'll get service for a nanosecond. At that spot, you will stand for hours trying to call you mom and tell her you're not dead. There, you will receive a handful of really important texts to which you cannot respond.
Thus, asking your bro, "Where you at?" proves to be a pretty impossible and exhausting task. Getting in touch with anyone is as likely as you going home with Jack White.
What's an asshole solution? Stick, duct tape, and random object that can be extended above the crowd for all of Lollapalooza to see. "Just look for the dinosaur 69-ing with Pikachu! You can't miss it!" says Jerkette.
Watch Goonies, guys. Learn to stick with your friends, "...Stay together!"