Top Seven Signs You're Too Old for Warped Tour
Summer is the season of music festivals, so naturally, that's when the 20-years-strong Vans Warped Tour makes its round of the nation.
Unlike the trends at popular EDM fests -- you know, flower headbands, dilated pupils, corny rave moves -- Warped Tour keeps things pretty much rock 'n' roll with moshing, blood-shot eyes, and Converse-covered feet. Warped Tour these days also has a more niche demographic than even the electronic parties but without an exact cutoff age. So it leads one to wonder: When should you stop going?
To help our dear readers discover at which point they're too old to attend, we compiled a list. If three or more of these apply, you may want to return your ticket.
7. Someone mistakes you for their mom.
Juan Fernando Velasco
TicketsSat., Oct. 22, 8:00pm
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The Psychedelic Furs
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Let's start with the most obvious sign. You know you're too old to be at a show when you realistically could have birthed more than half the attendees.
While you're planning your retirement fund, buying a house, or nursing, the teens at Warped are worrying about which band T to get with their $40 paycheck. Ah, youth.
6. You wonder the whole time, "Who are these bands?"
Remember when you went to Warped Tour back in high school and memorized every song sung by your favorite bands? You were so adamant about seeing each of these acts that if two of them played at the same time on different stages, it ruined your life.
Now you look at the lineup and don't know who the hell these bands are. Gone are the days of the Offspring, Dropkick Murphys, 3oh!3, Plain White T's, and A Day to Remember. Now the lineup is chock-full of mystery groups. Who should you see? Draw a name -- maybe you'll like them anyways.
5. You no longer brag about getting punched in the face.
Before, you used to shake off a sucker punch to the face and turn to your friends like, "Dude, I just got punched in the face. Awesome!" Now, if an errant hand touches you, you end up crying in the corner like a little beeyotch. Or worse, decking the person twice as hard and winding up with an old person's broken hand. Your bones are weak; stay far away from the pit.
4. Crowd surfers make you flinch.
The moment flailing excited fingers head toward you overhead, you rush away. Who wants to get groped like that, and what if you're the weak one who drops them? That feels like a lawsuit waiting to happen.
3. You can be heard repeatedly asking, "Where's shade?"
It's July in South Florida. Who the hell decided that an outdoor concert was a good idea this time of year? Your hair is damp, you have pit stains, and you smell like dookie. When you were younger, you didn't give a flying eff because you could pull that look off. Now? More wet dog than wet puppy.
2. You want to have a heart to heart with kids at the concert about their futures.
Your inner mama bear is coming out, and it's screaming at these teens to get a hold on their lives before it's too late! How can they expect to land a job interview with that many piercings on their face? Impossible. How will these millennials grow into adults with face tattoos? Whoa, bro. Bring it down a level. You sound like your mother.
1. The screaming teens next to you aren't exciting and cute; they are annoying.
Like, really fucking annoying.
Vans Warped Tour. With Falling in Reverse, For Today, Parkway Drive, Air Dubai, the Story So Far, and others. 11 a.m. Saturday, July 26, at Cruzan Amphitheatre, 601-7 Sansbury's Way, West Palm Beach. Tickets cost $37.50 to $43 plus fees. Call 561-795-8883, or visit vanswarpedtour.com.
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