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Top Ten Best and Worst Fashions of Tortuga Music Festival

What in the hell does a cowgirl wear to the beach? What about a salty dog out to impress the sandy bitches (don't pretend you're offended, you know what we mean).

These were the main folk populating Tortuga Music Festival this weekend. They chugged beer and sunbathed to a crisp on a fairly long strip of beach, sandwiched between two stages of live, mostly country, music, in Fort Lauderdale. Though most dressed in fairly plain beach attire -- bikinis and jean shorts, trunks and tees -- not everyone at the fest was a plain Jane.

Here's our list of the top 10 notable fashions we spotted at the inaugural Tortuga Music Festival.

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Top Ten Best and Worst Fashions of Tortuga Music Festival
Alex Markow

10. Turtle-maid

Tortuga took place on the placid shores of the Atlantic, so, of course some fierce ass mermaids, like this one, swam ashore. It was like freaking Splash out there!

Also, the fest was put on by Rock the Ocean to teach people about turtle and sea-life safety. The message was loud and clear: Protect the water so this turtle-maid can eat more lollipops!

Top Ten Best and Worst Fashions of Tortuga Music Festival
Alex Markow

9. Stuper-stache

This guy's got the whole salty dog gone hipster thang going on. Only thing that's weird, it seems that's an actual cigar, and not a blunt. Get with the beach-prog, brah.

 

Top Ten Best and Worst Fashions of Tortuga Music Festival
Alex Markow

8. Muscles on the Inside

If you don't have a six-pack, guess what?! You can just wear this T-shirt and fool everyone! Isn't it kind of strange, though? It looks more like he has three hands than a lady putting her hand down his pants.

Top Ten Best and Worst Fashions of Tortuga Music Festival
Alex Markow

7. Kids

You know what kids are? The best accessory! Oh, and also one hell of a good way to carry on your genes long after you've croaked. There were plenty of these little decorations... uh, we mean children, in attendance at Tortuga, creating sea creatures out of Play-Doh, and drawing oceanic beasts on a mural. They made the whole thing legitimately a family affair, and they look great on a yoga blanket.

 

Top Ten Best and Worst Fashions of Tortuga Music Festival
Alex Markow

6. Willie What?!

Not only were there youn'uns on the sand, but old'uns too. This guy is one cool catfish. He's got the blue '80s eyewear, a simple handkerchief chapeau, but wait, is that an iPad? We take it back, this is the guy at Tortuga with an iPad.

Top Ten Best and Worst Fashions of Tortuga Music Festival
Alex Markow

5. Shetland Sally

You never know when your calves are going to get chilly in 90 degree weather on the beach! These boots ease any worries on that front. Though the suit's cute, she's gonna have one helluva tan line today!

 

Top Ten Best and Worst Fashions of Tortuga Music Festival
Liz Tracy

4. Sharkey McGee

Tortuga was sponsored by Landshark beer, so there were more than a few bazillion of their cans sent to the recycling bins this weekend. This aqua mama made sure to get in on that shark action. She's got the cosy and the fin hat perfect for scaring children in the water. These also work well at a Dolphins game.

Top Ten Best and Worst Fashions of Tortuga Music Festival
Alex Markow

3. Sweaty Feets

Boots on the sand?! This was one of the weirdest fashions of the festival. Otherwise, these college gals were dressed just right for a day of boozing on the beach. Go 'Noles!

 

Top Ten Best and Worst Fashions of Tortuga Music Festival
Liz Tracy

2. Cowboy Sand Castles

A few folks were creating beach sofas out of the sand, these guys just made pillows. Unlike boots, cowboy hats came in mighty handy out there in the blazing afternoon sun. Just try and tell us you're not jealous of those dudes right now.

Top Ten Best and Worst Fashions of Tortuga Music Festival
Liz Tracy

1. Best Day Ever

Sure he didn't get that tat out there on the sand, but it did seem to fit with the whole vibe of Tortuga. Nothing stressful, just a little booty-wagging, some enthusiastic arm-waving, and plenty of sun shining on cheap beer.




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