Top Ten Moments of Musicians on Fire, Rock 'n' Roll Infernos, and Pop Pyromania
Yesterday we reported on musician/producer/DJ Sonny Moore -- known across the Internets as Skrillex -- lighting himself on fire like the monk on the cover of Rage Against the Machine's first album.
Ever since we read about Moore's hilarious b-day burnout, we couldn't help but feel like we'd heard this story before.
That's because we have. Rockers, rappers, and, clearly, even Sonic the Hedgehog sound-and-look-a-like dubsteppers have all been there and done that. And there's usually even YouTube footage to prove it.
Here are the top ten musical moments of famous dorks on fire.
10. Tré Cool: Predictable Pyromaniac
Green Day is the least punk band ever. And although lighting your drums on fire will at least secure you the number 10 spot on this list, doing it night after night is obnoxiously wasteful and stomach-churningly decadent. Who the fuck is this guy? Caligula?
9. Crüe vs. Sabbath: Self-Destructive Pissing Contest
Nikki Sixx and the Ozzman squared off to see who was a bigger freak and, uh, Ozzy won. Ya know how he looked/sounded/smelled during The Osbournes? Well, you get that way by snorting ants like you're Tony Montana about to go in for the kill. And can you blame him? He was up against the Motley Crüe founder's no-holds-barred almost-trump-card trick up his sleeve: setting himself on fire. Of course, no one ever remembers that part of the story. And why would they? Ozzy Osbourne inhaled insects as though they were powdered narcotics!
8. Yo, Girl, You on Fire
Remember that girl who sparked up (literally) at a Diddy-sponsored soiree a few years back? Are you friends with her on Instagram?
7. Kreayshawn is Not Hotboxing Her Tour Van. It's on Fire.
But now that you mention it, the vehicle probably went up in smoke 'cause 'Shawn thought the roach flew out the window but it really landed in the backseat.
6. Rihanna Receives an Old Testament Communique from God
So, we've all heard about The Big Guy popping in on Moses looking like a burning bush. Well, in our caffeinated and fictional opinion, Ri-Ri's recent run-in with merciless flames was definitely a message from The Most High letting the R&B-diva-cyborg know that she needs to stop smoking weed and break the fuck up with that piece of shit Chris Brown. Bieber is single, girl! Hit that shit! We'll even let you keep smoking bud.
5. Wyclef Jean is Not Jimi Hendrix
If you have footage of Wyclef at Woodstock '99 burning the figgity fuck out of his hands while trying to recreate Hendrix's o.g. guitar bonfire, please send it our way. Until then, please re-enjoy the above footage of the coolest man ever doing some cool-ass shit.
It's obvious which edition of the quintessential festival series was a fertile cultural explosion that defined an era of open-mindedness and experimentation, and which was pillaged by nü-metal orc arsonists.
4. Gene Simmons Deserves to Burn
There is nobody we would rather see swallowed whole (in a single greedy gulp) by luminous combustion than KISS frontman, Gene Simmons. Can we get a Kickstarter going for this or something?
3. James Hetfield's Headbanging Heat
Metallica's frontman reported that his skin sizzled like the bubbling flesh of the Toxic Avenger after he walked into a pyrotechnic canon ball fired during his solo in "Fade to Black." Another fun fact: Not one to cede the spotlight to a man who has incurred potentially life-threatening burns, Axl Rose cut Guns N' Roses headlining set short for no good reason, which, in turn, started a fucking riot.
2. Michael Jackson: Highly Flammable
Whatever Jacko was increasingly made out of over the course of his gradual customized mutation was easily incinerated.
1. Arthur Brown is the Robert Johnson of Self-Immolation
Do you have any idea how many times Arthur Brown caught on fire in the course of his potentially racist and definitely weird-and-or-creepy act? Unredeemable bigotry aside, this guy really infused his performances with Stanislavski's method acting.
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