Top Ten Musical Flops of 2014
Was it just us, or did it seem like every time we turned around this year, we caught a glimpse of Miley Cyrus' nips making headlines? Don't get us wrong, we're far from prudes. The Free the Nipple movement is an important one. But, you can't deny that it must have been a lackluster year when a former teenybopper's proclivity for taking off her top was the most discussed thing in music.
Well if it wasn't for Cyrus' Instragram, 2014 would certainly have gone down as the year of the booty since twerking hit the mainstream. From Nicki Minaj's, "Anaconda," to that ridiculous bubble butt smorgasbord that was Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea's "Booty," women's backsides also seemed to take center stage this year.
But music, friends, is actually about more than objectifying or worshiping the female form.
What happened to true artistry? Sure there were some bright spots in 2014. There were fantastic albums made by women like St. Vincent, FKA Twigs, and Sharon Van Etten, to name a few. There was a sweet My Bloody Valentine album released and a spirited Replacements reunion that had the band performing at 30 Rockefeller nearly 30 years after getting banned from Saturday Night Live.
But headlines still tended toward the lascivious. So in honor of this year of the butt, we'd like to take a look at the ten biggest bottoms of 2014.
10. U2 releases Songs of Innocence on everyone "i" device.
"Like waking up with a pimple," is how Odd Future member Tyler, the Creator spoke about the mediocre U2 album ending up unasked for on his iPhone. The alt hip-hop star couldn't have been more on-point about this flaccid release. Waking up to an unexpected U2 album on your phone is a frightening thing of Orwellian proportions. We just hope REO Speedwagon doesn't have the same idea next year.
9. Usher charges cell phone in women's vagina.
Perhaps no bigger indication that Art Basel has officially jumped the shark. This incident that took place earlier this month showed Art Basel reaching its full b.s. potential.
8. Riff Raff's "Dolce & Gabbana"
"I'm outside eatin' fried okra (With who?) with Oprah," this is a line from Riff Raff's 2014 song "Dolce & Gabbana." Is this guy for real? We've heard better rhymes at an elementary school pick-up game. The most frightening part is that it doesn't seem Riff Raff was trying to be ironic here, just authentically a grade A, first class cheeser. Top nods for worst emcee of 2014 here.
7. Aerosmith's Steven Tyler forgets to zip up his fly while performing at the Grammys.
Who's afraid of heights? Apparently Steven Tyler's zipper! During this rock and roll icon's performance with R&B legend Smokey Robinson at the Grammys, his fly remained down the whole time. Thwarting what could have been a more emotionally scarring wardrobe malfunction than Janet Jackson's Super Bowl peep, Tyler realized his fly was down a few moments into his performance, and inconspicuously fixed his zipper.
6. Avril Lavigne's "Hello Kitty"
Jumping on the same Japanese "Kawaii" trend explored by the likes of Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, and Gwen Stefani, Lavigne's video for "Hello Kitty" proved to be more culturally offensive than vibrantly kitsch. And, just shy of a decade past the street fashion trend.
5. Saturday Night Live's "A Very Cuba Cuban Christmas" sketch.
Speaking of culturally offensive... This SNL train wreck of a Christmas Special parody
featuring faux performances from Gloria Estefan and Pitbull pretty much takes the cake. If you're going to be culturally insensitive -- as this four minute dud is -- you should at least be a little humorous.
4. Maroon Five's Kia-sponsored performance at the VMAs
What could possibly make Maroon Five's featherweight rock and roll even more namby-pamby? Throw a Korean car in the mix. We wonder if anyone else saw the irony here? Kia Soul sponsoring a performance by Adam Levine's band that couldn't have been more devoid of any actual soul. This performance brought down our testosterone levels more than chugging gallons of soy milk for a year straight.
3. Miley Cyrus, Flaming Lips, and Moby team up to cover the Beatles' "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."
Speaking of totally unnecessary, does the world really need another Beatles cover? Especially when the person who was chosen to sing said cover has spent most of her time twerking and flashing the internet all year? We think the psychedelics are starting to finally fry Flaming Lips' enigmatic frontman Wayne Coyne brain. Why one of the universe's favorite experimental prog-rockers has become so buddy-buddy with Cyrus truly confounded us. And how they talked an influential figure from the world of '90s electronica like Moby to also drink the Kool-Aid astounds us even more.
2. Any local Stitches performance
Now that he's been outed as just another suburban Cuban white kid with a facial tattoo problem, Stitches' gangster shine lost a bit of its luster.
We have to admit, he came out of the gate strong with hype and energy in his "Brick in Yo Face" video. But during his show at Propaganda this year, Stitches proved to have more schtick than lyrical brawn, unveiling a baggie filled with what was probably the same flour used in the "Brick in Yo Face" video and inviting female audience members to come on stage and take a sniff.
1. Pharrell Williams's moronic Canadian park ranger hat and just about everything else about his annoyingly gleeful number "Happy."
We should give him credit for trying to bring the Canadian Mountie look into high fashion, but in reality, Pharrell just looked like a lost Canadian tourist walking around with a big smile on his mug.
And oh yeah, by the way Mr. Mountie, Bobby McFerrin already did the whole overly optimistic, just-don't-give-a-fuck-about-anything tune back in 1988 with his equally in-your-face gleeful hit "Don't Worry, Be Happy." We really don't think it warranted a remake. Undoubtedly, the year's most annoying song. If only we can permanently delete it from our consciousness and just wallow in our melancholy.
Oh, and happy New Year!
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