Dear Partnership for a Drug-Free America,
Here is my treatment for a future advertisement: We start with a close-up of a hot, butter-coated FRYING PAN. There is NO SOUND. We see two hands crack a couple of EGGS, which splash and sizzle on the skillet as we fade up VELVET REVOLVER's latest CD, Contraband. We hear one-time Stone Temple Pilots front man SCOTT WEILAND's strained, toneless yelping as the former GUNS 'N ROSES rhythm section (MATT SORUM and DUFF McKAGEN) thrashes histrionically like CHRIS FARLEY drowning in a kiddie pool. Occasionally, SLASH comes through with a few fat, fuzzy riffs, but at best they are mere echoes of his glory days as a pre-eminent heavy metal guitarist. We watch as the eggs COOK, BROWN, and BURN; we see green, pungent SMOKE wafting from the pan. As we fade down on yet another crappy ballad, your famous slogan appears on the screen: "This is your brain on drugs." FADE TO BLACK. -- Paxil Rose
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