Britney Spears' "Hold it Against Me" video has a little something for everyone -- if you're planning a shopping spree. The (once) pop star's new video is nothing more than a glorified infomercial with a whole lot of pyrotechnics and half-assed dance moves in between the Sony labels and Plentyoffish.com screen shots. Aside from the overly obvious product placement, the video itself just didn't make sense, and it seems Spears was heavily reliant on over the top glitz to distract fans from
noticing that she just can't dance anymore.
After a Def Leppard-like font runs across the screen, the song begins with Britney wearing almost nothing surrounded by a slew of dancing men. Before you can blink, she's holding a bottle of her latest perfume. Back to what she's wearing, what year is it? Why is she still prancing around in booty shorts, fishnets and knee high boots? Sex sells, but let's be honest, Spears really doesn't have her old body anymore. After a few more vogue-like arm moves, one of the men starts applying makeup on her face, boom a Make Up Forever label is flashed on the screen. When it came to the product placement in the video, director Jonas
Åkerlund really had no shame, but this isn't too surprising if you've
ever watched the Lady
Gaga and Beyonce's "Telephone" video.
Later, Britney wears a giant, glittery wedding gown and is surrounded by television screens playing her old music videos. This is interrupted by shots of her sitting on a computer browsing dating websites. Sony labels pop up on the screen, some cutbacks to her standing in the middle of dancers (who are actually moving around), and then the infamous fight scene starts. Whether this was a reference to Black Swan or Mariah Carey, this is the most you see Britney move around in the entire video. Paint starts shooting out of her fingers, which is hopefully a reference to the late Alexander McQueen, but I'm guessing it was more of a nod to Ke$ha.
Finally, the video wraps with leather-clad Spears semi-dancing while the fireworks and pyrotechnics steal the show. Confetti falls, male dancers gyrate, and a giant question mark flashes on the screen. It basically sums up the experience of watching this video.
Britney Spears was never was a great singer. At one point in career she was an amazing performer, but she just doesn't have it anymore. Spears needs to stay at home with the kids and leave this business to Lady Gaga and Rihanna.
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"Hold it Against Me" is off Spears' seventh album, Femme Fatale, available March 29.