Kids today have iPhones and STDs, man. You think they fuck around when it comes to threatening adults with mischief in order to get sweets? They're printing out maps from Google, learning their neighbor's daily routines, and packing heat.
County Grind salutes these enterprising hoodlums for their hustle. And we've put together a little guide for the TOTers with enough balls to demand candy from musical celebrities. Here are the treats these famous folks'll give out, from beef patties to candy canes.
10. Katy Perry's Candied Fudgesicle Cupcakes with Chocolate Whipped Buttercream
If your kids ring the "California Girls" singer's doorbell this Halloween, they are at a much higher risk for having seizures and going blind from the kilograms of sugar they are about to ingest.
9. The Mummies' Gummies
It only makes sense that undead rockers would serve a gelatinous version of the slithering vermin feasting on their rotting flesh.
8. Snoop Lion: Beef Patties and Weed Brownies
Tonight, circa 9 p.m., the streets will be filled with hollow-eyed children dressed like Justin Bieber's Twitter Account and Slutty Cinderellas, in a daze after ingesting a one-two punch of expertly seasoned red meat and chocolatey confections baked with high-grade bubonic chronic.
7. Taylor Swift's Seasonally Inappropriate Candy Canes
Has anyone noticed that ever since she refashioned as a hip norm, Taylor Swift is constantly wearing horizontal stripes?
6. Alice Cooper Hands Out Pocket Bibles
The O.G. shock rocker sold out the world of Jack-O-Lanterns and mountains of backstage cocaine for - what else? - Jesus. So if you're the kind that makes your child dress up like John The Baptist every Halloween, you definitely wanna hit up Alice Cooper.
5. Kid Rock's Famous Ribs and Greased Watermelon
We'd like to pause our Useless List for a moment and take this opportunity to remind you that Mitt Romney hangs out with Kid Rock and Barack Obama hangs out with Shakira, Usher, and Stevie Wonder. Process that information as you will.
4. Neil Young is Searchin' for a Heart of Gold Chocolate Coins
Doesn't Neil seem like a traditional, "chocolate and candy corn" kinda guy?
3. Insane Clown Posse is the Living Embodiment of Faygo
This Halloween, I.C.P. will be spraying kids with pressure hoses usually reserved for fire fighters. And they'll be filled with Faygo.
2. Rick Ross Cooks a Four Course Meal
Trick-or-treating at la casa de la Bawse-a is not a casual affair. If you knock on Rozay's door on All Hallow's Eve, you better be prepared for a transnational fine dining experience with portions comparable to a private buffet per guest.
1. Britney Spears Gives Costumed Children Quaaludes
As a parent, Britney knows you've gotta balance out all that sugar with something.