There is nothing South Florida likes (read: loves) more than contests. Be it moronically closely watched dangling chads versus dimpled keypunches, Cubans versus Ozzie Guillen's big mouth, or which douchey nightclub charges more for lackluster VIP setups, ours is a competition-driven society.
That's right. Sexiness.
The question of who's sexier than who is one that developed to satisfy a need to entertain and compare sweaty, hairy dudes. We will present some facts without involving "furries" and/or "bears" in order for you to decide who is the sexiest of the sweaty, hairy, mustached punks: Hunx or Creep Guirdo?
While we have not been able to get in contact with Hunx's camp, Guirdo had the following statements to make concerning this race for alternative rock 'n' roll sexiness: "I've not smelled him in person, but in photos, he looks very sweaty, like me. I can vouch that my B.O. is the smell of Drakkar Noir and baby powder."
So, on to the obvious. Leather jackets? Check. Mustaches? Check. Scampered body hair? Check. Alternative senses of fashion? Check. Highly entertaining, whimsical, and at times gender-bending takes on punk rock? Check. Onstage humorous antics? For sure.
So far, these two are nose to nose. With interchangeable songs like "Touch" and "Bad Boy," as well as "Coffee and Sex" and "Lovers Lane," these two camps could, in a foreseeable scenario, join forces and excise the question out of our minds.
Seth Bogart, AKA Hunx, hails from Oakland, California, and is a lifelong Raiders fan, a little-known secret. He got his start as a dancer with electro outfit Gravy Train!!! and formed Hunx and His Punx in 2008 as a means to express his sensitive, bubblegum pop side with a keen queer eye for good-time inducement. Since forming, the Punx have been a rotating door of tour mates designed specifically for the theatrical.
Hunx and His Punx - "Too Young to Be in Love"
Creep Guirdo's German roots are mired in controversy, but his adoration for FC Schalke 04 places his origins somewhere near Gelsenkirchen in the North Rhine-Westphalia area of northwest Germany. His ravishing Mexican looks have never been fully explained, but he is adored in Iceland. He and the rest of his Pool Party
cohorts are passionate about everything equestrian and call South Florida home for its year-round "pool party" weather.
Pool Party - "Spy Girl"
While there might be some question of sexual orientation that invokes a Little Richard flair to the proceedings, Guirdo posits the following, "I am as, if not more, sexy than Hunx; here is the why: Both of us are equally wanted by gay men and straight women alike. As we should be: We are muscular, virile men. We show lots of skin."
Truth be told, as a society that hides behind a rigid, religious, and moralistic veneer, yet can party down at drag clubs on the beach whilst railing off of urinals, there should be a diplomatic answer to who is the sexier of this pair. We could even go the homoerotic route and let the imagination run wild with that, or we can just declare this one a tie and head on down to Churchill's to bask in the glory (and flecked sweat) of these two dudes.
*Trying to rip off chest hairs is not only a painful souvenir but it is also explicitly prohibited by the establishment.
Hunx and His Punx with Pool Party, Natural Child and Lil' Daggers at 8 p.m. Friday, April 13, at Churchill's, 5501 NE Second Ave., Miami. Call 305-757-1807, or visit churchillspub.com.