13 Things Fort Lauderdalians Want Outsiders to Know

13 Things Fort Lauderdalians Want Outsiders to Know
Photo by Michele Eve Sandberg

Fort Lauderdale is known to the outside world as an exotic locale, where yachts abound and spring breakers get arrested for DUI. It's also known as the Venice of America and its proximity to the Intracoastal Waterway.

But it's also viewed, to many, as Miami's little brother: the city that kind of has a nightlife, but no one is really sure, because South Beach is so sparkly and ooohhh lookit, ART DECO.

Fact is, there are plenty of things Fort Lauderdale should be known for but isn't. Maybe because you never bothered to ask.

Well, fear not, outsider. Because here are the 13 things we Fort Lauderdalians want you all to know and understand:

13 Things Fort Lauderdalians Want Outsiders to Know
Photo by Ian Witlen

13. Yes, We Love the Beach ... THAT'S WHY WE LIVE HERE C'mon, people. The beach is seriously right there. How can we not love it? And when it comes to beaches, it beats the crap out of most any other beach based purely on the fact that it's not South Beach, where it's too crowded, or Hollywood Beach, where it's too old.

12. None of us ever hangs out at Blondies For some reason, Fort Lauderdalians have become synonymous with Dirty Blondes. That might have been true once upon a time. But true Fort Lauderdalians know what's up. And what's up is that Blondies is the last place any of us wants to hang out at, unless we're in the mood to get our ass beat on the sidewalk for no reason whatsoever.

13 Things Fort Lauderdalians Want Outsiders to Know
Photo by Stephanie Colaianni

11. We hang out at Poorhouse instead Indeed. The Poorhouse rocks.

10. We hate it when people call it Fort Lawdy Yeah, don't do that. It's not only lazy; it's stupid. Would it kill you to enunciate one more syllable and say the whole word properly? Lau-der-dale. No. No it wouldn't. And it also keeps you from sounding like a mongoloid.

9. We love wearing sandals HELL YEAH WE DO. It's summer 365 days a year out here. If it were up to us, we'd wear nothing else. Suit with sandals? Yes. Jogging with sandals? Mmhmmm. It's comfortable, fun, and efficient. In Fort Lauderdale, you need the kind of footwear that lets you walk to Publix while also being crazy easy to take off when you suddenly find yourself at the beach.

 

13 Things Fort Lauderdalians Want Outsiders to Know
Photo by Alex Markow

8. Drawbridges are our Lex Luthor
 Fort Lauderdale is called the Venice of America, which is nice. There's water everywhere, and it makes our city quaint and pretty. But water everywhere means boats, which means drawbridges, which means GAHHHHH. Ask any Fort Lauderdalian the one thing he hates about the city -- besides the lack of parking spots -- it's all the damned drawbridges. Want to get to work on time? Or make sure you arrive early for that date? Leave your house about three hours in advance in anticipation that you WILL get caught waiting for a drawbridge or three.

13 Things Fort Lauderdalians Want Outsiders to Know

7. We're gay-friendly and PROUD Awwww yeahh we are. The highest concentration of gay couples? Check. And while same-sex marriage is legal everywhere in Florida now, no other city has LANCE BASS attending its gay wedding. BOOM.

13 Things Fort Lauderdalians Want Outsiders to Know
photo by Jess Swanson

6. We still believe FAT Village will be the next Wynwood (even though it never will) And we will NEVER STOP BELIEVING.

13 Things Fort Lauderdalians Want Outsiders to Know
Photo by Thomas Brown via Wikipedia Commons

5. We all act totally normal around all the lizards Fort Lauderdale is overpopulated with two things: drunk white chicks and lizards. Lizards we can handle. So any time any of you out-of-towners freak the hell out over the sight of an iguana or all the lizards roaming the streets, know there's a reason why we're so cool about it. Because we're used to those creepy little guys.

 

13 Things Fort Lauderdalians Want Outsiders to Know
Photo by Michele Eve Sandberg

4. We don't all own yachts Yes, Fort Lauderdale is the Yacht Capital of the world. But the majority of us are working stiffs who can barely afford electric bill payments, let alone a yacht. But the majority of us also like to pretend we own a yacht, so it all evens out.

13 Things Fort Lauderdalians Want Outsiders to Know

3. We love Laspadas like our own baby Seriously. This shit is crazy delicious. WE WILL EACH OF US FIGHT ANYONE WHO DISAGREES.

13 Things Fort Lauderdalians Want Outsiders to Know
Photo by Alex Markow

2. We're really under the radar when it comes to partying Spring break used to be our thing until people got stupid and began attracting the authorities and things quieted down. Now, for some reason, the rest of the country thinks we no longer party hard. WRONG. We party with the best of them. And when you've got the beach, Las Olas, Exit 66, the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino, and Elbo Room, then you know how to throw down like there's no tomorrow.

13 Things Fort Lauderdalians Want Outsiders to Know
Photo by Christina Mendenhall

1. We love that Miami gets all the attention Yes, South Beach... keep getting all the attention. You're so sexy and vibrant and hip. We'll just be over here being way, way cooler with fewer crowds, fewer hassles, and, more important, less douche.

Send your story tips to the author, Chris Joseph. Follow Chris Joseph on Twitter




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