Heck with Arnold. We want Burt Reynolds.
Or maybe Maggie. See, Margaret Richardson, a 61-year-old disabled seamstress from Pensacola, is planning a California-type insurgency in the Sunshine State. Last week, she started a petition to recall Florida Gov. Jeb Bush (at petitiononline.com/JebLies/ petition.html). "Our governor has gone from doublespeak to outright lies in his descent from Orwellian to Nixonian tactics," it reads. "Jeb Bush has freeloaded off the citizens of Florida for too many years... Please help to rescue Florida from the grips of a self-serving governor."
So far, about 500 people have signed.
Maggie, whom we reached first by e-mail, then by phone, admits she swears too much for her kids' taste. (One's a police officer.) Though she must use a wheelchair, she brought up six kids alone. "I guess that's why I have an attitude," she explains.
Her experience with the Bush boys started out badly. After she sent a picture to the White House showing the prez as the village idiot, he sent the Secret Service her way. "In April 2001, Big George's boys came out to question me," she recalls. "Me, a goofy little old grandmother. They wanted to know what guns I had, whether I had been to a terrorist training camp. Our government's insane. I just think we ought to do something to get rid of these jackasses.
"Jeb's a crook. He's a damn crook. There's election fraud, his plans for Medicaid and his 'devious' plans for the class-size amendment. Jeb has devious plans for everything. I think the citizens of Florida should come up with some devious plans of their own, stand up, and get his ass out of office."
A slight hangup to Maggie's plans might be that, under Florida law, voters can recall only county and municipal leaders. State stooges like Jebbie can be removed from office only through impeachment, which pretty much mirrors the federal laws. House impeaches. Senate removes. You remember the Clinton-era drill.
But Tailpipe thinks Maggie can succeed if she just tries. Burt may be a has-been, but he's better-looking than the Terminator. And hell, he shows up on ESPN sometimes. He's just one of the boys. And who knows? Maybe Loni would come back as first lady. That'd show them West Coasters, huh?
Most Miami Dolphins fans spend their days mulling over the Griese versus Fiedler quarterback debate, but Hollywood resident Brenda Robinson, who answers to the name of "Little Miss Fin," has more important things on her mind. Namely, her underwear.
Robinson, see, owns 32 pairs of Miami Dolphins underpants. They're symbolic of her 32 years as a Dolphins supporter.
Every year, Robinson, a blond, smooth-talking Hollywood resident with sleek curves and tight jeans, shows up on the first day of training and buys a pair of cotton briefs, stenciled in blue with the Dolphins' logo. She then wears the pair to every home game. They're her "secret weapon," she says, brandishing them like a flag.
Now, the Dolphins have yet to win a Super Bowl title during Robinson's reign, but if they ever do, Robinson has a plan for her underwear: "I think I'll auction them off," she says.
If you're not gonna wear condoms, fellas, at least get a business license. Following Trevor Aaronson's May article "Unsafe Sex," about how gay bareback parties were contributing to an outbreak of syphilis, Fort Lauderdale police received a number of calls from neighbors of the club featured in the article, Inn Leather at 610 SE 19th St. According to Sgt. Gary Daughenbaugh, head of the vice squad, two FLPD officers attended one of the bareback parties undercover. Unable to make charges against the revelers since all sex was consensual, FLPD charged Inn Leather's absentee owner with operating a hotel without a license. Thomas Martinson, of Oregon, Wisc., will be arraigned August 21. He didn't return Tailpipe's phone call.
Those weenies at the Sun-Sentinel refused to print it. But we have no scruples. After all, we spend our days spitting out black oily exhaust.
The newspaper's July 26 story on a song allegedly penned by City of Fort Lauderdale functionary Pamela Brown piqued our curiosity. The lyrics so peeved Mayor Jim Naugle, who said he had discovered 'em on a copy machine, that he compared its distribution to a "hate crime." Though the lyrics accused him of being gay, he is, of course, straight and has a daughter. He thinks homosexuality is a sin. The song also assailed City Commissioners Carlton Moore, Cindi Hutchinson, and former commissioners Gloria Katz and Tim Smith. It referred to activists Elgin Jones and Leola McCoy, as well as Naugle's assistant, Safeea Ali.
So we asked the mayor for a copy. He graciously acceded. Here are the lyrics:
He's our mayor
We do his office work
He likes Safeea
We know he's queer.
With a Lumpy Gay Bum, Lumpy Gay Bum, Lumpy Gay Bum, Lumpy Gay Bum, Lumpy Gay Bum, Lumpy Gay Bum.
Smith wants the office
He says it's time for change
He should be wary
The mayor's a fairy.
Moore's trapped by Wingate
He says the soil's OK
Leola's suing him
Hitch lost weight this year
She has old flesh to spare
Her fireman likes her lean
Her temper's really mean.
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That's our commission
We all do work for them
We must be crazy too
We're working in a zoo.