Allen West Wrote a Book With a Star Wars Title; Will Be Awesomest Book Ever
Allen West wrote a book. AND WE TOTALLY CAN'T WAIT TO READ IT.
A book by Allen West has to be the most awesome thing to hit the literary world because how can it not be?
We're pretty sure it's a book filled with American flags, and Freedom Eagles, and parts where he punches terrorist-coddlers in the face and calls anyone who isn't remotely about conservative values out on their Nazi-Commie ways!
Miami Heat vs. Atlanta Hawks
TicketsSun., Oct. 1, 6:00pm
UberTailGate: Hard Rock Stadium Dolphins v Titans
TicketsSun., Oct. 8, 1:00pm
Miami Dolphins vs. Tennessee Titans
TicketsSun., Oct. 8, 1:00pm
Miami Heat vs. Charlotte Hornets
TicketsMon., Oct. 9, 7:30pm
Miami Heat vs. Washington Wizards
TicketsWed., Oct. 11, 7:30pm
The book, titled The Guardian of the Republic, is not, in fact, a Star Wars fan fiction tale but an honest-to-goodness book written by Colonel Commie Hunter himself.
According to the book's official description, West will regale readers with tales of how he served as congressman in Florida's 22nd District and then lost it to a guy no one really heard of.
It also calls West "one of the most authentic voices in conservative politics." Like, for example, when he compared himself to Abraham Lincoln.
Or when he said people With "Coexist" bumper stickers want to "Give Away Our Country," and his constant Islamaphobic rants.
JUST LIKE ABE LINCOLN, THIS GUY.
Or like when he said, "Women have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness."
Or, like when he said the Democratic Party is like a plantation.
What an authentic voice!
The book also says West has "never compromised the core values on which he was raised: family, faith, tradition, service, honor, fiscal responsibility, courage, freedom."
Random. Words. Thrown. Together. Freedom. Patriot. Foot. Flag. Phone. Cup. Trident. Soup. Unity. Forefathers. Pizza rolls.
West defended those random words while serving in the military all the way until he had to leave after abusing an Iraqi prisoner with his freedom courage America fightin' ways.
But, as the book description says, West is all about defending freedom for American
nutbags everywhere. He isn't afraid to speak truth to power, and now he's going to spew his knowledge all over our faces.
And if it's anything like the sexually graphic letter he wrote his wife, then we're all in for a delightful read!
Stuff like this:
So did you get a tan in Florida? From now on you will wear two piece swimsuits when we vacation.... Do you dream of me at all? Every night I dream of you next to me hot and naked... Angela, I need to know. Are you committed to being my porn star? I do not want to hear "no," or "we'll see about that."
How is that booty? ... I cannot wait to have the tightness of your butt surround my penis as I slide in. I cannot wait to eat your soft, smooth pussy and play with your pussy ring with my tongue. I cannot wait to have your hot mouth suck my dick and have warm cum fill your mouth and drip down your chin. ...
I want to take you from behind in a shower....
I want you to sit on me in your office...
If you are on your period, then it's butt sex or masturbation time. That is the standard and it is non-negotiable.
I want a nice long blow job ...
Then I will make love to you until I explode (probably 2 min.) but I'll make up for it in round #2. That is when I am getting me so hot, tight Angela butt. Get ready!
Seriously. We can't WAIT to read this thing.
Send your story tips to the author, Chris Joseph.
Get the Things to Do Newsletter
Find out about upcoming events and special offers happening in South Florida.