At Last, The Psychics Have Spoken: Barack Obama Will Win Today

According to a recent New Times poll of Broward County psychics, there's a general consensus among the spirits that Barack Obama will win a second presidential term over Mitt Romney.

Though, as one of the three psychics we interviewed cautioned, "the cards are tight."

Indeed. There are apparently conflicting elemental forces at work. And it seems the universe's guides are just as polarized as the general electorate. Yet, there is staunch agreement among the powers that both of the candidates suck balls and we're all screwed, said one mystic named Sarah, who reportedly doesn't have a last name.

Another psychic, named Armando, perceived great certainty among Democrats this electoral cycle. They're adamant in the righteousness of their cause, she said, while the Republicans are more unsure. "The Democrats are Democrats to their soul," the spirits tell her, while there's great fear in the Republican heart. "They are more afraid in what's going to happen in the next four years," she said.

Pucci David, meanwhile, said Obama will certainly win the election, but will lose Florida. Perhaps the spirits consult Pew Research Center, which has ascertained similar findings in its latest poll.

"That's what my energy says, and that's what my guides tell me." She declined to go deeper into what these spirits said specifically, and why. That would cost extra.

Armando says the cards have read the same thing for months now. Even when Obama got trounced in the first presidential debate, the guides were unequivocal. Barry would win. And Willard would lose.

Let's see if the spirits are right.

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