As if herpes and irritable seagulls weren't enough, Fort Lauderdale spring breakers can now add another potential hazard to their list of things to avoid on the beach.
"Bathing in Nude Condition" is against the law in Fort Lauderdale. This is the exact phrase used by a cop on a city police report (and quite possibly plagiarized from a Jane Austin sex scene... or Fernandina Beach city ordinances.)
(So if you're a guy reading this in your bathtub, you damned well better stick your weenie in an empty bottle of L'Oréal! Actually, the law doesn't apply to your bathroom. But you should still keep that empty shampoo bottle where it is. Feels good, doesn't it?)
Fort Lauderdale's anti-skinny-dipping law states: It shall be unlawful for any person to come upon any public beach or to use the waters adjacent thereto while nude.
Why does the Atlantic Ocean have to be such a prude? (And as long as we're handing out charges, can someone slap a citizen's arrest on the sea cucumber? Those things always find a way to brush up against my calf.)
But Bathing in Nude Condition is no joke, people. On January 26, two men from Illinois, Joseph Brenner, 33, and Oscar Deagueros, 34, were arrested under the charge right on Fort Lauderdale Beach. An officer observed one of the men -- I'm assuming in slow motion and to the sounds of Marvin Gaye -- "remove his clothing and enter the Atlantic Ocean in a nude condition."
All this happened on 239 S. Atlantic Blvd., right by the Elbo Room, which as we all know is famous for its civility. The police report stated, "there were 4 other individuals within approximately 15 yards" from the two sea strippers, and when they did the naughty David Hasselhoff into the ocean, "the other individuals left the area as a result." The arrestees did not return calls for comment.
New Times checked Fort Lauderdale Police records to see how many other people had been arrested for skinny-dipping and whether Bathing in Nude Condition is a scourge on our beaches.
But we were surprised --- these two men just had bad luck (or the flashiest genitals in all of Florida?), because in the whole sun-soaked year of 2013, this was the only record of a Bathing in Nude Condition arrest in the city.
Where are the other nude bathers? Are they sneakier? Do they have a secret nude bathing cove? Maybe they're completely shaven and thus get mistaken for loggerhead turtles? Only God and a couple of traumatized manatees can know for sure. But for all you spring breakers out there who are thinking of taking a naked dip, be careful. When you're about to yank down those Quicksilver board shorts and take the leap into the Atlantic, remember two things:
You could be spending the night in jail. And an effective method for removing sand from the urethra has yet to be invented.
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