Broward Mayor Settles Controversy; Says Your Cell Is Planning Murder

Ritter, pictured with a killer cell phone.
Ritter, pictured with a killer cell phone.

It's official: your monitor, cell phone, toaster, and portable Simon computer game are slowly murdering you.

That's according to Broward County Mayor Stacy Ritter, who recently signed this proclamation making next month Electromagnetic Sensitivity Awareness Month. Her proclamation, post-dated for May 1, declares:

Whereas, as a result of global electromagnetic pollution, people of all ages in Broward County and throughout the world have developed an illness known as Electromatic Sensitivity (EMS) ..."

Broward Mayor Settles Controversy; Says Your Cell Is Planning Murder

Sure, you might be saying that EMS isn't recognized by any major medical board as a medical diagnosis. And you might be speculating that EMS was invented by someone's crazy aunt to explain why she won't get a cellphone. But I'm going to assume the reason Ritter signed this proclamation and declared that EMS exists -- something that's sure to piss off the cellphone industry.

The reason, I'm guessing, is that Ritter herself must personally suffer from EMS.

I can't say this for sure, of course, because Ritter doesn't do normal mayoral things, like return phone calls from reporters. But why else would she be under so much scrutiny? It's her cellphone! Attacking her with electromagnetic waves! Making her take money from a felon!

If you're smart, you'll start celebrating Electromagnetic Sensitivity Awareness Month by throwing out your cellphone, toaster, Simon, and computer monitor. But first, please finish reading this sentence, even if it means you'll take money from felons.


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