D. James Kennedy Has A Place In Hell
According to sources close to the prince of darkness, the late Rev. D. James Kennedy, of Coral Ridge Power Hour fame, has been assigned a key position in hell.
"He's going to make a great addition and we've already made room for him," one of Satan's lieutenants reported to the Pulp. "The hard part was figuring out where to put the little devil. We considered the eighth circle with the frauds. I mean, c'mon, Kennedy was a "man of God"? Would Jesus sponsor a hate festival? As we say down in these parts, hell no. Then there's the fourth circle, for the materialists. Have you seen that gaudy palace he built on Federal Highway? Plus, he loved the rich and never gave two snots about the poor. But we decided he'd make a better addition to the fifth circle, where he'll fight with other wrathful hatemongers on the river Styx."
The angels concurred with the decision. Said one: "God was a little more open to the idea of letting him up here -- the Big Man has still got a bit of a wrathful streak and saw a sliver of himself in D. James. But Christ wouldn't hear of it. He said, 'I'd rather be crucified again than to have that jackass in heaven.' He was joking, but he meant it at the same time if you know what I mean. Anyway, it wasn't much of a tiff -- they went out together to play nine holes on the clouds and quickly forgot all about him."
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Broward / Palm Beach, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.