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Dan Marino, Rick Scott, and Donald Trump Perform a Dramatic Reading of New Times' Biogensis Story

Dan Marino, Rick Scott, and Donald Trump Perform a Dramatic Reading of New Times' Biogensis Story

The local personalities, egos, and public figures who swung through the news cycle this week, ranked by New Times' crack research department using a highly scientific algorithm (i.e., charting where all those 18 shell casings fell on Las Olas, then comparing with a map of the zodiac).

Dan Marino, Rick Scott, and Donald Trump Perform a Dramatic Reading of New Times' Biogensis Story

5. Rick Scott. This week, the governor papered the state with his latest education proposal, and it's a doozy -- some $74.2 billion set aside for Florida's teachers and students. Not only is the proposal the largest education budget in state history but it's also the largest piece of bullshit ever fronted by the Scott crew, an administration that's done more to slash public school resources than any other.

Dan Marino, Rick Scott, and Donald Trump Perform a Dramatic Reading of New Times' Biogensis Story

4. Dan Marino
This week, the NFL's greatest passer did us all a favor -- he took one of the last remaining sacrosanct public images in sports, walked it out to a lonely spot in the woods, and murdered it with his wang. Tough as the news was for fans that the beloved former Dolphin wasn't exactly the squeaky-clean family guy we all assumed, this was probably for the best. Another reminder that heroism in sports often stops at the stadium and that these guys are just like us -- morally shabby vessels just trying to get by. And laid.

 

If there was justice in this world, this would be the son Donald Trump has earned.
If there was justice in this world, this would be the son Donald Trump has earned.

3. Mac Miller
Let's say you wake up one day and realize that the white rapper schtick you've been peddling hard is actually passe. Likely, you're on a one-way track to a dust-bin with all the other wannabe Marshals. But Pittsburgh rapper Mac Miller may have saved himself thanks to a high-profile beef. It seems Donald Trump -- a man well-versed when it comes to performing constant CPR on a public persona -- has taken offense to the rapper's tune name-checking the West Palm moneyman. Cut the royalty check, Donald tells Miller via Twitter. We'll see how much these fame whores can milk each other.

Dan Marino, Rick Scott, and Donald Trump Perform a Dramatic Reading of New Times' Biogensis Story

2. Marco Rubio
Slow clap for the senator from Florida. As Congress beings to dig in for a probable showdown on immigration reform, Rubio has actually joined the proactive ranks among the Senate fronting a bipartisan solution. But what's really landed him on this list is Rubio's willingness to grease the bill through the thicket of Tea Party idiocy. The GOP Boy Wonder pitched both Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh on the proposal, and both seemed to approve.

Dan Marino, Rick Scott, and Donald Trump Perform a Dramatic Reading of New Times' Biogensis Story

1. New Times
Shameless self-promotion? Absolutely. But unless you were in outer orbit all week, you probably know the biggest news story in the country recently stemmed from our latest cover story. Managing Editor Tim Elfrink's three-month Sherlocking of a local aging clinic turned up evidence that A-List MLB talent were riding the dope train, including the tip-frosted man of leisure above.




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