Dan Marino Should Not Take the Dolphins Head Coaching Job if It's Ever Offered

Dan Marino Should Not Take the Dolphins Head Coaching Job if It's Ever Offered
photo by Chris Joseph

On Monday, we posited the idea that the Miami Dolphins need to fire their entire staff, from front office to all the coaches, and start over. And we stand by this. On Wednesday, our sister paper Miami New Times said the team should fire Head Coach Joe Philbin and replace him with Dolphins legend and Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino.

With all due respect to our peeps on the south side of South Florida... um... No. 

Dan Marino should not be the next head coach of the Miami Dolphins.

Because the man is the greatest to ever sling a football and the greatest Dolphin to ever lace them up and the greatest winter glove pitchman ever and the greatest wearer of Zubaz. But he's not a wizard. Even Gandalf would look at this team and then jump on his horse and run away to keep frolicking with the tiny people. Being the head coach of this team is a job for the Exorcist, not Dan Frickin' Marino.

And while Miami New Times might just be trolling us all with its suggestion, we're here to give Marino a personal message, just in case. We're here to tell him to please ignore that article and close his laptop and then burn it and then throw it into the ocean with his warp-speed quick release. 

But in case you're reading this, Dan, and are seriously considering it: Here are six reasons why you should absolutely say no to even the possibility of a hint of taking the head-coaching gig with this team:

Dan Marino Should Not Take the Dolphins Head Coaching Job if It's Ever Offered (2)

6. Stephen Ross Is a Dolt
Stephen Ross is good at real estate. He's also good at loving to dry-hump celebrities and big names with his eyes and lose all rational thought whenever a famous-to-semifamous person comes within his sense of smell.

This is the guy who sold stakes to every C-list celeb that crawled out of the woodwork to announce themselves as "Dolphins fans."

And this is the only reason he'd want you to be head coach for his team. Not because he thinks you'd do well at your job but because you're a Big Name guy. He lacks the self-awareness to understand that he'd surround you with yes men and morons and would just be concerned with the image of the idea of having you, Dan Marino, as head coach. But that's all.

And let's not forget how the team has turned into a pile of moose crap under his watch, how he clinged onto Jeff Ireland way longer than he should have, and Tony Sparano, and now he's doing the same with Joe Philbin.

You want to work for a guy you can take seriously. Stephen Ross may have made billions in real estate, but he runs the Dolphins like Kruger Industrial Smoothing.

5. You'd Have to Deal With Mike Tannenbaum
Yup. The real estate genius up there saw his team was a dumpster fire filled with dirty diapers from a baby who ate Indian food and decided to not only keep Joe Philbin and his Merry Men of Morons but also decided to hire Mike Tannenbaum to be their boss. From 2006 to 2012, Ol' Mike made questionable draft picks for the New York Jets, who have been just as putrid a franchise as the Dolphins. He struck gold once when he drafted cornerback Darrelle Revis in 2007. And that's pretty much it.

The other big names Tannenbaum brought in to play for the Jets include Brett Favre, who was clearly washed up when he arrived in New York and his sole claim to fame playing for them was when pictures of his wrinkly dong hit the internet. There's also Tim Tebow. Tim. Tebow. Tannenbaum also brought Braylon Edwards and Santonio Holmes — two big-name receivers who ended up being huge busts — to New York.

He even drafted Mark Sanchez and famously spent a first-round pick on Vernon Gholston, who is regarded one of the biggest first-round NFL busts in draft history.

Dan, you could barely stand the sight of a wide receiver dropping one of your passes. Mike Tannenbaum is the equivalent of a wide receiver dropping all of your passes on every single play forever. 

Dan Marino Should Not Take the Dolphins Head Coaching Job if It's Ever Offered (5)

4. Things Are a Mess Around Here
Have you seen what's been happening to this team since you left? Of course you have. You're at every game. And that's terrible. Namely, the Dolphins have sucked balls. It's a team that has been stuck in a perpetual wormhole of horse butt and monkey poop, sucking us in, swirling us about, and spitting us out on the other side where every season ends in a 7-9 record, no playoffs, and the 19th overall draft pick. Some would argue this is precisely why you're needed. But we know better. You're the all-time greatest quarterback, not a goddamned wizard. 

Also, you'd be inheriting a team that fields a discarded cardboard box for an offensive line. And a defense that has guys who look like they're afflicted with always moving in slow motion. And a bunch of coordinators who look as if they literally just learned what a football is.

3. Which Would Lead to More of This....

Dan Marino Should Not Take the Dolphins Head Coaching Job if It's Ever Offered (3)
via Miami Dolphins Twitter

2. Just Stick to Helping Out Ryan Tannehill 
When you were hired as "special adviser" to the Dolphins in 2014, no one was really sure what the hell that meant or what your job would be, specifically. Turns out, you were brought in to shove a lightning bolt from your god-like right arm straight up Ryan Tannehill's keister to knock some sense into the kid. And holy crap, it's been working!

"Dan has been great," Tannehill told the media in 2014. "He's been around a lot as of recent. Watched tape with him. He's been in the QB room. He's a great resource to have around, just his knowledge of the game, obviously the success that he had during his career."

It's one thing to listen to a coach tell you how to read routes and how to look off safeties. It's quite another when the voice of a God speaks to you from Mount Olympus and tells you what you're doing wrong and how to stop sucking. Basically, you listen. Just the way Moses did when the Burning Bush told him how to spot an oncoming safety blitz.

Suddenly Tannehill is no longer the Dolphins' biggest issue. The offensive line might kill him, but still. The kid's a work in progress and needs to be your sole focus. 

Dan Marino Should Not Take the Dolphins Head Coaching Job if It's Ever Offered (4)
photo: Joey Cortez via Flickr

1. Your Legacy Would Be Forever Tainted
Listen, Dan. You are an icon. A Legend. The Right Arm of God. The greatest quarterback to ever play the game. Our lasting image of you is basically a smorgasbord of memories of watching you obliterate opposing defenses every Sunday with your lightning-bolt passes and blazing the trail for future greats like Peyton and Brady and Aaron, all while doing it when the rules were more stringent and defense-friendly. Why taint that image by becoming the head coach for a team that is reeling in an endless ocean of dookie? Why take the risk? I understand why people would want you to. I get it. We're all very tired of this. And you've always represented hope, always created magic out of mediocrity. And maybe, just maybe, you could pull off the impossible and turn things around and lead the Dolphins back to glory as the head coach.

Except that... Nope.

Run away, Dan Marino.

Run far away.

AND DON'T YOU LOOK BACK.  

We love you too much to see you do this to yourself.


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