Dolphins Demolish Jets, Lose Tannehill to Injury
Rex Ryan wanted his New York Jets to put hot sauce on Reggie Bush. He then demanded an apology from Bush when Reggie dared talk back. LaRon Landry then told the media that Reggie would remember the hit he took in week three, saying, "I'm not going to stop hitting or headhunting. I'm not going to stop the way I play."
There was a lot of shit-talking coming from the Jets all week. There were claims of looking to knock Reggie Bush out of the game, hurt the Dolphins, how New York was a better team than when they met in week three, how this was the game that was going to turn their season around and it would be at the expense of their rival.
And then the actual game came, and Reggie Bush and the Dolphins were all:
The Dolphins went into New York and socked the Jets in the mouth with a sack full of nickels, taking them down and embarrassing them at home in a 30-9 asswrecking.
- On one of the first plays of the game, Antonio Cromartie tried to set the SHIT GON GIT REAL tone by attempting to bring Bush down with a hard tackle. This was after Bush scampered through various Jets defenders. Cromartie came in at a hard angle. But LaMontelle came to fuck and delivered a hard stiff-arm to Cromartie's face as he was pushed out of bounds. SHIT DONE GOT REAL. Cromartie retaliated by head-butting Bush, drawing a 15-yard penalty and then being a complete nonfactor for the rest of the game. After the game, Cromartie told the media that he called Bush a punk when he head-butted him. Good one!
- After the game, the Jets kept yammering even after having their ass blown clean off. Said receiver Chaz Schilens: "They're not a very clean team, I would say that. They're a little cheap as far as I'm concerned." Yeah. Because the Jets WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING DIRTY. Also, the fuck is a Schilens?
And then, of course, there was Cromartie. "[Bush] tried to cuss me out," Baby Mama Maker said. "But at the end of the day, we know his true colors." If not taking your shit and then turning you into his own personal hand puppet are his "true colors," then yes. We do know his true colors, indeed.
- When Mike Westhoff left for the Jets in 2001, he had some strong words for Jimmy Johnson and Dave Wannstedt. He apparently had some beef with those two but then seemed to never be able to let it go. So anytime his special teams would make a good play against Miami, Westhoff would show an extra bit of happiness and smugness So it was satisfying to finally stick it up his ornery curmudgeon ass yesterday with our special teams recovering an onsides kick, blocking a field goal, and turning a blocked punt into a touchdown.
- As we mentioned in our preview on Friday, Mark Sanchez needed to prepare his anus. The Dolphins blitzed the shit out of Nacho, forcing a fumble, a bunch of floaters, and an interception in the red zone.
- Jets fans complain about the lack of Tebow in their offense. Particularly when he's sent out to line up at QB for one play, before getting the hook after wasting a down with a predictable run up the middle for two yards. It ruins any semblance of rhythm the offense might've had and puts Mark Sanchez in an impossible situation. You can see it whenever Tebow gets called in, does his thing, gains no yards, screams out "LET'S GO!" and then Sanchez has that look on his face that says, "Fucking great. Jesus Boy just took a dump on our momentum, and now I'm going to get killed for it when we fail to convert a first down."
Dolphins fans saw this shit play out many a time when Sparano had Chad Henne and Pat White at his disposal. Henne, like Sanchez, is a rhythm QB. He's feast or famine. But when he's hitting receivers in stride and moving the offense, it's best to leave him be. But, nope. Sparano fucking loves to fool everyone by bringing in his Wild Cat guy and then have him run the most predictable play imaginable (a run up the gut! INGENIOUS!), ruining whatever good he might have gotten from his mediocre starting quarterback. Pat White fucked many a Dolphins drive in the ear by stopping Chad Henne's momentum, running a play where he takes two steps forward before getting tackled for a loss, and then handing the ball right back to Henne, who would then either throw an interception or throw the football 30 feet over the receiver's head on third down.
Nice to see the Sparano fucktardery ruining our rivals for a change.
- Tim Tebow fucked his assignment during that blocked punt, which is fucking glorious. BUT HE'S A FOOTBALL PLAYER, the Tebowtards love to say. He certainly is. And then he went and blocked the wrong dude and his punter got mauled by Olivier Vernon and Jimmy Wilson. Merp.
- Ryan Tannehill left the game in the first quarter with a left quad and knee injury after being sacked by Jets LB Calvin Pace. Tannehill told the media that he hyperextended the knee and has a deep bruise of the quad. Luckily, the Dolphins were able to bust out the Puppet from his box, and he came in and had a solid game, throwing for 131 yards and a touchdown.
Even with all the trash-talking, promising to knock players out and pissing on the Dolphins' ashes, the Jets still got obliterated by Miami's backup quarterback. AND HE'S NOT EVEN A REAL LIVE HUMAN!
Tannehill says he should be fine for next week's game.
- Rex Ryan after the game: "To say I never saw this coming is an understatement," the coach said. "We had a great week of preparation and practice, but you have to execute. Clearly, Miami out-executed us." HA! HA!
- The Dolphins shut out the Jets in the first half. Recovering their own onside kick in the first quarter was just the beginning of the ass reaming the Fins would be doling out all afternoon to the New York Shitsacks.
After that, it was a cock slap in all three phases of the game. The offense was efficient, the special teams was dirty and the defense was stellar.
The Dolphins are now 4-3 (holy shit! .500!) and are a considered one of the more dangerous teams in the league. Sure, they have their problems and short comings here and there, but they seem to be a team on the rise. Meanwhile, the Jets are a flaming bag of shit with injuries, terrible coaching, awful quarterbacks, and no hope for the immediate future. All is right with the Universe.
IT'S A NEW YORK DICKPUNCH PARTY, Y'ALL!
Miami visits the Indianapolis Colts next week.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.
- Activists to American Doctors: Don't Circumcise 4-Year-Old; Consent Was Forced
- Recent American Heritage High School Grad Killed in Terrible Car Accident
- In Killing of Police Dogs, Cops Usually Get Light Punishment