The Miami Dolphins lost because they can no longer do the one thing this team was always only capable of doing -- kick field goals.
And so the New York Jets came to town, managed to play like a sack of crap, and still pulled out the 23-20 victory, because our kicker forgot how to kick field goals, our offense sucks, and Reggie Bush went down with a knee injury.
And while many are blaming Joe Philbin's last-second timeout call, it really comes down to one simple fact: The Dolphins are terrible and any time they don't lose should be considered a sweet blessed miracle from the baby Jesus.
- The Dolphins held the Jets to just 2.7 rushing yards per carry, picked off Mark Sanchez twice, and held New York to one offensive touchdown. This is mainly because Miami's run defense is much improved. Yet it can't be overlooked that the secondary is a giant pile of ass. Richard Marshall was the balls in the pre-season, but has been abysmal through three games. And Nolan Carroll is basically a human highlight reel for penalties. In fact, every coach on every team should show rookie corners and safeties Carroll's game film on how not to play defense. Or they can just simply say: Playing grabass all day with the opposing receiver is not the way to play defense.
- Why is Daniel Thomas still a thing? When Reggie Bush's knee got clocked with a flying helmet, the next logical choice to take his place should've been Lamar Miller. Yes, he's a rookie, yes it's tough spot to be in. But if the offense was already geared to run through the shifty, speedy Bush, why not continue that trend with Miller, who plays with the same style? Instead, the Dolphins went with Vagina Feet, who miraculously escaped this game without injuring himself. Thomas likes to grind it between the tackles, but he's as one dimensional as it gets. He's the Channing Tatum of running backs. Vagina Feet ran the ball 19 times and finished with 69 yards, which is fucking AWFUL when you're supposed to be the offensive focus. And the one touchdown he scored during Miami's first drive was basically scavenged after Reggie got them to that point. Miller is the more dynamic player. Mind boggling that the coaches went with the shitty Ireland draft pick over the one potentially pretty good Ireland draft pick. Assholes.
- The Dolphins pass rush is a bucket of shit.
- There's a reason Jets receiver Santonio Holmes went and talked mighty trash last week. As mentioned above, Miami's secondary is cock. Holmes has traditionally been bad against the Dolphins, but he looked at the names that would be covering him on Sunday and decided it was high time to serve up some cold plates of shit talk. And he delivered -- 9 catches for 147 yards, including the 33 yarder that set up the Jets win. Of course, Holmes did nothing monumentally impressive here. It's like you walking into a pick-up basketball game against a baby. You see that baby, and you know that baby's day is about to get fucked because you're a full grown adult, and that's a baby. "OH FUCK YEA, BABY!" you would probably say before the game started. "IT'S GONNA BE A LONG-ASS DAY FOR YOU, BABY." And then throughout the game you'd say things like, "YOU CAN'T GUARD THIS, BABY." And, "DON'T BRING YOUR STANK ASS INTO MY HOUSE, BABY." Shit like that. Santonio's trash-talking our secondary? Same thing.
- Tony Sparano is fat again. "Hey dees donuts ah fockin delicious, k. And dont' fockin git me stahted on deh spare ribs. I focking love deh spare ribs. Wit deh sauce. You evah had a donut wit deh spare ribs sauce? Fockin HEAVEN, k." *fist pump*
- Tough to pin this loss on Ryan Tannehill. He did what he could with what he had. There are glimpses of something that can be nurtured into a fine NFL quarterback there. He has a nice delivery, keeps his shit together in the pocket for the most part, and generally doesn't seem to get rattled. Of course, we could've done without that pick-6 to LaRon Landry. But keep in mind that Tannehill is working with a third-down specialist, a chipmunk, a guy not good enough to make the fucking COWBOYS roster, and a Star Wars character as his receivers. JEFF IRELAND FOOTBALL FUCK YEA!!
- The Dolphins entered the fourth quarter up 17-10. Up against Nacho Sanchez and his incredible flying hot burrito passes -- at home, no less -- you would think shit was signed, sealed and delivered. But the Dolphins strayed from doing that thing where you have a rookie QB so you should just run as much as possible to keep the clock going, and instead went with, meh fuck it just keep throwing it. The result, of course, was bad clock management, followed by the Jets eventually chipping away the lead, followed by Dan Carpenter kicking the football like he was long testicles, followed by a Jets win, followed by AGONY.
- The Dolphins travel to Arizona to take on the suddenly really good Cardinals. Gametime is 4:05 p.m. Hey, it's an away game, so Stephen Ross gets to save himself some money!
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