Dolphins Lose to 49ers 27-13, Suffer Fourth-Straight Season of At Least Eight Losses
Oh, hey. Look at that. The Dolphins lost again.
At this point the inevitability of the Dolphins getting their asses pounded week in and week out, year in year out, should be old hat. These are, after all, the Miami Dolphins.
And as the San Francisco 49ers punted the Fins' collective dicks to the tune of 27-13 on Sunday, handing Miami their fourth-straight season of at least eight losses, one has to wonder if the pain is ever going to end.
The answer, of course, is no, not really. Not as long as the front office currently in place keeps running things.
As long as Jeff Ireland and his lackeys keep dipping their balls in our soft serve ice cream, we can pretty much expect more non-winning, non-playoff seasons every year.
One way to describe this particular loss: Shitcakes.
Another way: Hauntingly familiar.
In a game that the team pretty much needed to win to keep their mathematical playoff hopes alive, the Dolphins came out and inevitably set their pants on fire.
Missed tackles, dropped passes, Jonathan Martin getting absolutely obliterated by Aldon Smith, turnovers, awful pass protection, no one getting open, anemic running game, bad coaching, and 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick making Miami's entire defense look like a herd of moose running on a frozen lake, ultimately stuffed our day with hot and meaty canned shit.
The team that beat us yesterday is everything this team wants so desperately to be, but fails so fucking miserably at: A defensive minded squad with a strong running game that sets up the occasional pass down field. Sound coaching. Sound play-calling. And a front office with the strange and wonderful ability to recognize a football player from a shoe.
Only problem is, we're NONE of those things. And our offense can't figure out if it wants to be a running offense or a passing offense. But, hey, our head coach looks like a Scooby Doo villain, so we have that going for us.
All in all, the Dolphins remain an inept football organization.
It's the same thing year in, year out. This team blows camel dick. Nothing is improving or progressing. It's like they're stuck in a camel dick sucking time warp and can't get out.
With the game and the season on the line yesterday, who does our rookie quarterback throw to?
Marlon Fucking Moore. He of all of four catches on the season.
Because Stephen Ross has entrusted the dipshit Ireland to surround his rookie QB with talent.
While fellow rookies Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III are leading contenders for Rookie of the Year honors, MVP honors and are leading their respective teams to playoff berths, our rookie QB is wallowing in the mudshit created by a front office that would be better served if it were run by a monkey with a yo-yo.
Luck and Griffin -- for all their otherworldly talent -- have talented receivers and playmakers surrounding them. Because they each have a general manager who knows that being a good football team means drafting and signing good football players.
This 49ers team that just kicked Miami's ass, was wallowing in a 6-10 record just two seasons ago. Now, they're a legitimate Super Bowl contender.
The Dolphins? Their biggest story in the last two season still remains that they once held a Tim Tebow Day at their stadium.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.