Dwyane Wade Explodes on the Spurs as Heat Ties Series 2-2
Remember when Dwyane Wade was a liability to the Heat in these Finals and we all wrote him off, like a bunch of assholes? Pffft.
Wade dropped his pants, and then he dropped 32 points in Miami's 109-93 Game 4 beatdown of the San Antonio Spurs to even the series at two-games apiece.
MV3 turned on the Wayback Machine and partied like it was 2006, going 14-for-25 from the floor and leading the Heat past what has become a pain-in-the-ass Spurs team.
When most players have an epically terrible playoff game or two and are written off by the fans and the media, they usually crumble and are a shell of their former selves, needing an entire offseason to recover. But D-Wade decided he would shiv the doubters and the Spurs in the face with his dick instead.
Struggling Battier? Inconsistent Rio? No problem. Not when you've got a perfectly good Dwyane Wade you can unleash on your enemies.
Wade and LeBron once again blew shit up with their awesomeness, combining for 62 points on the night while Chris Bosh decided he was going to be a real-life velociraptor by cockpunching the Spurs with his tiny velociraptor arms, grabbing 13 boards, scoring 20 points, and devouring every shot the Spurs would take.
Game 3 saw the Spurs jacking up roughly 1 billion three-pointers and making all of them, leading to a complete annihilation of the Heat at the hands of role players like Danny Green and Gary Neal. But Game 4 arrived and things were, as the Heat had promised, different, with Wade and LeBron taking a wrecking ball to the entire city of San Antonio and the swarming Heat defense not giving the Spurs' sharp shooters any space beyond the arc. Green and Neal were reduced to making little impact offensively while screaming incoherent shit like, "I ONCE SAW A BABY GIVE ANOTHER BABY A TATTOO!" and "SQUIRREL VAGINA!" while being suffocated by Miami's defense.
But the star of the night was MV3, who ostensibly decided on a bold new course of action. Namely, to shove his foot into the Spurs' collective assholes while bludgeoning them into submission with his giant dong.
Yes, we make a big deal about LeBron's giant dong around here. It is huge, and it obliterates things. But Wade has a giant dong too.
LeBron's dong is like the Hulk. It goes on a mindless destructive path, demolishing entire city blocks in its wake of annihilation, and then waking up naked and confused in a pile of bricks and steel hours later, before walking away to sad music.
Wade's dong is more subtle. It's more gallant and gentlemanly. Wade's dong will take off its coat and lay it down over a puddle for a lady to cross over.
But it is equally devastating to opponents.
Wade and his dong attacked the rim with ferociousness, shattering orbital bones and clavicles in its wake, setting the tone for the Heat offense,which was, namely, to attack the rim like it had just taken your McDonald's money.
Wade made the paint his home, hitting all six of his shot attempts while driving to the basket.
Wade's devastating performance put him in the NBA history books with Isiah Thomas as the only two players in NBA Finals history to record at least 30 points and six steals in a single game.
D-Wade's vintage performance was just what Miami needed. And it shouldn't be analyzed or scrutinized. Just stared at in awe. Wade took out his giant dong and spun it around like Thor's hammer and devastated the Spurs' defense, all while the rest of America could do nothing but watch and eek out their tortured whisper:
"The horror. The horror."
Game 5 is in San Antonio on Sunday. Tip-off is at 8 p.m.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.
- DOJ: Harlem Suarez, Inspired by ISIS, Planned to Bomb Key West and Miami
- Missing Teen Boaters: Moms on Today Show
- Wilton Drive Is a Death Trap