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Eight Reasons San Antonio Is the Worst Place Ever

In San Antonio, they call this the beaux-arts.
In San Antonio, they call this the beaux-arts.

So last night didn't exactly go as planned. Thanks to some Globetrotter gymnastics on the part of Tony Parker, San Antonio took the lead in the NBA finals 1-0. Something certainly kick-started the old-ass Spurs on the court. It might have just been the fact that they were playing for all the marbles.

But we have another theory: The players were just so ramped-up to be in a great American city for once, their game jumped to a whole new level. See, the Spurs play in San Antonio, a snoozeville truck stop between Chicago and Mexico. Miami's big-city, internationally recognized badassery rubbed off on the visiting team.

Just to illustrate our point, we worked up a field guide on how terrible San Antonio really is.

Eight Reasons San Antonio Is the Worst Place Ever

8. It's in Texas. Yup. Lone Star staters like to act as if Texan roots automatically grant you preferred seating in heaven, but let's be honest: Texas is like the shitty neighborhood every town seems to have out by the landfill, only if you scooped up all the people there, landed them in oil country, and genetically modified them to have an outsized sense of entitlement and self-worth.

Eight Reasons San Antonio Is the Worst Place Ever

7. Sure, the Alamo is cool to look at, but it's racist. Since Santa Ana's armies overran the patch of turf in 1836, "Remember the Alamo" has become some sort war-whoop-cum-branding-scheme-cum-drunk-frat-boy-chant. But really, the whole story, or how we seem to always portray it, just reaffirms a nasty white-man-versus-brown-man thing. See: the 136 Sociology degree thesis papers on file at the Wesleyan College library.  

Eight Reasons San Antonio Is the Worst Place Ever

6. You can legally kill a hooker there. Or so a San Antonio-area judge recently ruled. Well, at least if she refuses to pay you back. The customer is always right in San Antonio.

5. The music scene sucks. Just ask this guy. Remember: It's been done before.

Eight Reasons San Antonio Is the Worst Place EverEXPAND
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4. Its honor is worth a plate of tacos. When South Florida politicos like Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Carlos Gimenez threw down on friendly wagers with their San Antonio counterparts, they bet Joe's Stone Crab -- the iconic and pricey South Beach eatery that will cost you a couple of hundred a pop. On the other side of the table, San Antonio's leaders offered Tex-Mex. That's like soft shell tacos and shit. *Shakes head*  

Eight Reasons San Antonio Is the Worst Place Ever

3. It's the homebase for Clear Channel Communications. Otherwise known as the conservative broadcasting company responsible for blowhards like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Glenn Beck. The company also has blackballed advertisers and opinions that swing left of center.

Eight Reasons San Antonio Is the Worst Place Ever

2. Speaking of conservatives... San Antonio is also the hometown for two right-wing political poster boys: George W. Bush's attorney general, Alberto Gonzales; and Iran-Contra war criminal Oliver North.

Eight Reasons San Antonio Is the Worst Place Ever

1. Tim Duncan plays basketball there. He is a Hall of Fame calib....... oh shit -- sorry, we snoozed off there. Anyway, like even LeBron said, Duncan is a...... damn, jeez, there it happened again. Something just keeps putting us to sleep. All right, so Tim Du......

So there it is, San Antonio. What do you got in response? Huh? Go ahead, hit us.

Follow Kyle on Twitter @kyletalking. For tips, send an e-mail




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