Everybody's Kung Food Fighting
We used to joke about serving a "knuckle sandwich" and washing it down with a cool "can of whoop-ass" (pictured above). But no more. Not since this rash of cuisine-related crime struck Florida. This past week, we've been too scared to enter a Dunkin' Donuts, and only now that our brave sheriff has arrested the bandits and extracted a confession is it safe to feast again on those delicious, empty carbs.
Of course, this crime trend started in Port St. Lucie, where in November a man assaulted his girlfriend with a sandwich while she was driving. While researching this incident, I discovered another Floridian -- from Leland, in fact -- who beat his mother with a Polish sausage.
Florida food felons worked right through the holiday season. On Thanksgiving, a man in Martin County slammed a pie into his wife's face. Not one of those whipped-cream, Carol Burnett Show pies either but a sweet potato pie still hot from the oven.
And just yesterday, we learned of a Vero Beach man who assaulted his girlfriend with a McDonald's cheeseburger. Fortunately, the dude was ordering off the Dollar Menu. Had this been a Big Mac attack, the woman's injuries would have been far more severe.
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By the way, guys, attacking a woman with food is still aggravated assault. You have not found a loophole in domestic-violence law. Sorry.
In any case, the food violence in Florida still isn't nearly as fierce as in Europe. Here's a recent video of what's happening in Spain:
-- Thomas Francis
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