News broke recently that Florida Atlantic University will spend $50,000 to update its athletic and university logos. Why? For the same reason that parents wear Yu-Gi-Oh T-shirts and Boca socialites inject paralytic toxins into their faces. Shucks, if the school needs an image update, New Times can suggest a few options:

The owl remains an apt mascot for an obscure school often razzed as "F-A-Who?" After a typical junior's day of avoiding econ problem sets at South Beach Park and a night of double-fisting vodka-and-crans at Murphy's, it's more like "F-A-WhoWhatWhenWhereYesYourPlaceIsFine."

For four seasons, FAU football has strived to crack into Division IA, the big time of college sports. It needed to attract 75,000 total fans in its five home games this year to become eligible. The Owls fell 20,000 short, even after carpet-bombing the region with free tickets and giving away more than $22,000 to fans at the last game. Owls Football: Come one, come... one.

Do you enjoy learning? Socializing? Breathing exhaust fumes? All are favorite activities at FAU, where 91 percent of students commute to class on South Florida's attractive asphalt arteries. The rat race begins now, kiddies!

Wait, no, hold on... it's not Florida International University... it's not Florida Gulf Coast University... Florida Institute of Technology is even uglier... We totally give up. What school did you say you graduated from again? It was in Florida, I'm pretty sure. FAU? Really? That's not online, is it?

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