How do you know it's June?
Everything in your house is sticky. The Disney channel plays 24 hours a day at a volume that would give Helen Keller a headache. The only thing you've had to eat all day is a fistful of grapes and three strands of your own hair.
It's summer. Your kids are home. And you're Googling "How much Benadryl to make 8-year-old sleep for three months."
The transition to summer can be a little overwhelming for any parent. One minute your kids are gone for eight hours a day, releasing all their insane energy on the underpaid punching bag known as their teacher, the next minute they're home all day, missing the toilet and scratching you with their Nosferatu fingernails you could have sworn you just trimmed.
Fear not, weary parents. School may be out, but there are still places that will shelter these little terrorists for the day while you take a bath and watch Django Unchained in your living room as loud as you want.
Here are five summer camps in Fort Lauderdale where you can ditch your kids.
5. Camp Live Oak Does your kid love to run around in nature? Then they'll love Camp Live Oak.
Does your kid love to canoe and shoot arrows? Then they'll love Camp Live Oak.
Does your kid like to trap and torture lizards? Then stop reading this right now, get your kid, and take him or her to the nearest psychiatrist. I will NOT get murdered in 10 years because of your irresponsible parenting.
Registration ranges from $20 for one week to $885 for three weeks. Visit their website for more details.
4. Museum of Discovery and Science Summer Camp Think you got a little Einstein on your hands? Well, bad news. So does every parent in the world.
Chances are your little dude won't discover the theory of relativity. This is Florida. If they don't have a face tattoo by their 18th birthday, consider yourself lucky.
But, you never know. Your child may be a little Neil deGrasse Tykeson, and the only way you'll know is if you expose them to science at an early age. The Museum of Discovery and Science will allow your child to make a mess on their quest to understand this universe, and the good news is you won't have to clean up a goddamn thing.
Registration ranges from $60 to $235. Visit their website for more details.
3. Fort Lauderdale Children's Theatre Summer Camp At the Fort Lauderdale Children's Theatre Summer Camp your child will learn how to turn that blood-curdling shriek he makes when his poopies are too big into the Jersey Boys soundtrack.
Campers work with professional instructors in all aspects of theater: Acting, singing, dancing, set design, and how to gracefully end a conversation with Anne Hathaway.
Fort Lauderdale Children's Theatre Summer Camp costs $850 a session. Visit their website for more details.
2. Bayview Bunch Summer Camp Just because school is no longer in session doesn't mean you can't shove those little bastards back in there like socks into an overstuffed suitcase.
The beauty of this camp is you can register your kids for one week or the entire summer. So whether you need to hibernate for three months or just want enough time to find the remote and eat a frozen pizza, Bayview Bunch Summer Camp can help.
You're on your own with the remote though. Check behind the toilet. Don't ask. Just check.
Registration starts at $165 a week. Visit their website for more details.
1.The City of Fort Lauderdale's Summer Camps The Parks and Recreation department of Fort Lauderdale offers a whole cornucopia of camps to choose from. Whether your kid likes sailing, soccer, or gymnastics, there's something out there that will distract him from his murderous urge to torment small animals.
Check out all the options below. And, again -- please -- take that kid to therapy.
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