Five Florida Dads Who'll Make You Thankful for Yours on Father's Day
In case you've forgotten, Sunday is Father's Day. And while you might be scrambling to buy your Dad that $2 sports calendar or getting him yet another card with a cheesy poem about him being there for you from the CVS down the street (again!), maybe you want to remember that you have only one father.
And maybe you should be thankful it wasn't one of these fathers that the universe seemed fit to give you.
Here are six Florida fathers who will make you thankful for your own dad (and maybe motivate you to actually do something nice for him this Sunday, like a rib dinner at a fancy restaurant or something):
5. The Dad Who Evicted His Son (Who Responded by Pooping on the Porch) Kenneth Pangborn, was through with his 19-year-old stepson's freeloading ways. Pangborn says that Jorge Jonathan Cruz-Blanco had no job, didn't go to school, and was pretty much a useless pustule loafing around the house all the live-long day.
So Pangborn decided to teach the young punk a lesson with a little tough love and kicked him out of the house.
So Cruz-Blanco responded in the most reasonable way imaginable for a person who gets kicked out of his place of residence by his own father.
He went out and got a job.
He dropped his trousers and took a shit on his dad's porch, then pushed him to the ground.
When cops arrived, Cruz-Blanco explained the turd on the porch by telling them he really, really needed to go to the bathroom. He couldn't explain the old man on the porch, so the cops arrested him.
4. The Dad Who Called 911 After Daughter Refused to Buy Him Beer Robert Hagerman called 911 one night and told the dispatcher his daughter was on drugs, throwing things, and hitting him.
According to his daughter, this was all part of his plan to coerce her into going to get him some beer.
Police arrived to Hagerman's home around 11 that night and apparently found him "very intoxicated and uncooperative."
That's when Hagerman's daughter told the deputies he had called 911 to make stuff up about about her and get her into trouble, all because she wouldn't buy him a beer.
Hagerman was arrested and charged with making a false report of a crime.
3. The Dad Whose 7-Year Old Told Cops, "Those Are My Daddy's Hoes" Last June, police got a call that a man had beat and choked a woman he allegedly forced into prostitution.
When cops caught up with the man -- 34-year-old Robert Burton -- they pulled him over.
He had three women and a little kid riding with him in the vehicle at the time. The boy, a 7-year-old, was apparently Burton's and the woman he choked-out's son.
At one point, police asked the boy about the other two women in Burton's car, to which the boy replied, "Those are my daddy's hoes."
2. The Dad That Left His Baby At The Counter of a Strip Club Kenneth Rowe, 26, of Daytona, wanted to get his rocks off with some boobies in his face.
So he hit up local strip joint, Sharks Lounge.
But, turns out Rowe is the father of an 11-month-old baby. And it's kind of hard to enjoy yourself in a strip club with a pesky baby. So, he allegedly decided to leave his baby with the front clerk so he can then go inside and take part in all the strip pole-dancing festivities.
1. The Dad Who's Addicted to Coffee Enemas
Mike, a husband and father from St. Petersburg, doesn't drink coffee like the other overworked dads. He injects it into his ass nine times a day. His wife, Trina, joins him.
Mike says he favors a fine espresso grind, while Trina prefers it warm and thick.
"I feel like it's not as messy and drippy," she explains.
The couple explains that they they've each had around 100 coffee enemas a month -- a total of 6,000 in all -- since their addiction began two years ago.
They also claim that they're unable to function without it.
The couple is seeking help thanks to their teen son, who is probably scarred for life for having parents who sucks coffee up her butts.
Call your Dad this Sunday. And get him something more than a greeting card with a drawing of Garfield playing golf on it.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.
- Dan Marino Appeared in a Hilarious Super Bowl Ad Last Night
- Six Ways Fort Lauderdale Has Changed for the Worse
- Deposition Shows Mismanagement, Lax Oversight Led to BSO Crime Lab Failure