Thanksgiving dinner can be a chore, or it can be a hoot. But mostly, it can be a pain in the ass. Particularly when your family annoys the crap out of you.
As it is most years, you're either traveling somewhere or having family coming in from out of town. Either way, it's a jagged pill to swallow. You don't want Grandma asking you why you're not married yet. Or Grandpa wondering if you're gay out loud. Mom wants grandkids, cousin wants money, and your uncle gets weird when he hits the booze.
So, we recommend a preemptive strike in the conversation this year. Something to not only spice things up but something to freak out the family so hard they'll never want to visit Florida again.
Here now, from our famous Floridaderp files, are five Florida actual news items you can use to scare your family during Thanksgiving dinner:
5.) A guy got pulled over by the cops and handed over a dead squirrel when asked for his driver's license. Also, he said the squirrel was eating him.
Warren Thomas Michael was reportedly so ripped, when the cop said the requisite "License and registration, please," Michael handed the officer a squirrel. "Upon contact with the defendant, he immediately told me he had a squirrel eating him," the arresting officer said in a report. That's when the cop uttered the most awesome words ever written on a police report: "I had the defendant secure the squirrel and then exit the vehicle."
4.) A guy shot himself in the dick while cleaning his gun.
A Port St. Lucie teen bought himself a gun. As he was cleaning it, the weapon accidentally fired and shot 18-year-old Michael Smeriglio through the penis and testicle. Smeriglio lied to police, initially saying someone had shot him as he walked down the street. But after further questioning, Smeriglio confessed. Doctors said the bullet went through his penis and his left testicle and then lodged itself in his thigh. FUN!
3.) A woman was arrested for masturbating inside a Starbucks.
According to a report, Bradenton Police were called "by the staff at Starbucks regarding a female that was in their lobby and was masturbating." Twenty-nine-year-old Jennifer Piranian was seen pleasuring herself by several witnesses inside the coffee joint. She was eventually hauled off to jail, not so much for diddling with herself in a Starbucks but because a police officer found a crack pipe in her purse.
2.) A couple had sex in a restaurant in front of other patrons but were arrested for not paying their bill.
According to Orlando police, a couple had full-on sexy time at their table at Paddy Murphy's in front of a bunch of patrons, including kids. Cops arrested the man. Not so much because he put on a peep show with his classy lady but mainly because he didn't pay his bill. Apparently, the two were sitting at their table when they started to make out. Then things quickly escalated, and they started to get it on in front of everyone. Customers began to shield their kids from all the fornicating, while others alerted restaurant manager Tom Murphy as to what was going on. The cops were eventually called, and they arrested the man for refusing to pay his $101 bill. Because apparently you can totally nail your date in public in Orlando, but you better not skip out on that restaurant bill!
1.) A couple was arrested after their threesome went horribly wrong.
According to Pasco sheriff deputies, David Rice, 29, and his wife, Mindi, also 29, spent a night at their Dade City home injecting prescription drugs and having sex with a 24-year-old woman.The three fell asleep. Later that evening, Mindi woke up to find David trying to have sex again with their new friend. Apparently miffed that she wasn't invited to the second round, Mindi grabbed a loaded gun and began threatening the woman. Mindi then fired the gun into the ceiling. David was able to snatch the gun from Mindi's hand and grabbed her by the throat with one hand while holding the handgun to her face. That's when he yelled, "Bitch, I'll fucking kill you!" before firing a warning shot into the wall. When police arrived, the happy couple refused to leave the house. That's when the SWAT team was called in. The standoff lasted two hours.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
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