Five Florida Politicians Who Hate Women: Happy International Women's Day!
Today is International Women's Day! Yes, it's the one day of the year we allow the dames to come out of the kitchen or put the baby down so we can recognize them for all the lady things they do.
We love you, ladies. You're real swell.
But because it's enough already with asking to be paid the same salary as a man or be allowed to treat your body as you see fit, we present to you the top five Florida politicians who hate you:
Now get back in there and make me a steak!:
5.) Sen. Greg Evers
Ah, good ol' Greg. When he's not too busy dry-humping his guns, Evers is out there to make sure you ladies don't go and get abortions, even if you are the victim of incest or human trafficking or rape. In fact, he sponsored the brand-spanking-new bill that is up for a vote so you don't do that.
Now don't go and whine about it. If you hadn't worn that sexy outfit and instead had been cooking the turkey dinner and cleaning the bathroom like God intended, you wouldn't have been out there getting all raped and stuff.
4.) Rep. Charles Van Zant
Rep. Van Zant is just like Uncle Greg up there, only douchier (if that's possible). While Evers looks to push his NO ABORTIONS EVAR bill in the Senate, Van Zant is doing the same in the House. But Van Zant is old-school, a lover of history, if you will. And he would love to make things in America just as they used to be way back before Roe v. Wade was a thing and ladies just could not have an abortion (unless the baby was a retard or something, according to Van Zant). Also, he was inspired by a recent Alabama Supreme Court decision that expanded the definition of a "child" to include the "unborn."
V.Z. introduced his bill on the same day Roe v. Wade was celebrating its 40th anniversary. COINCIDENCE??
V-Zant says yeah, totally a coincidence. But he's also glad it fell on the same day. Because, Alabama ladies know what's up.
3.) Allen West
Sure he's no longer with us anymore (RIP), but Colonel Nutbags left an indelible mark on his feelings for the ladies.
He thinks that a woman soldier in combat billets is just a dumb liberal social experiment because we're fighting a brutal enemy and women don't know how to fire a gun at a terrorist like a man does. Also, there's that whole "monthly" problem y'all ladies have to deal with, which is just gross because soldiers are sometimes in foxholes for long periods of time and well, c'mon, ladies, go fly a helicopter. You're totally good at that!
He also blamed our nation's woes on Liberal women because y'all went around "neutering American men," and he once called Debbie Wasserman Schultz vile and despicable and told her to "shut the heck up."
Yeah, Debbie. You be quiet. THE MEN ARE TALKING.
2.) Gov. Rick Scott
Sure he's changing his mind about stuff like the expansion of Medicaid and the expansion of early voting days. But Scott has yet to come out and say if he's changed his mind about women. And since he hasn't, we're gonna go ahead and assume he still hates you.
Just last year, Scott vetoed $1.5 million in funding for 30 rape crisis centers. This happened in April, which happens to be Sexual Assault Awareness Month, giving Scott VAN ZANT status as far as excellent timing is concerned.
The Rick explained his decision as "new funding of $1.5 million would have been duplicative, since, as a state, we already fund sexual violence programs. The state already provides about $6.5 million for rape prevention and sexual assault services."
But, as it is with Scott, his math was a tad screwy. Money was (and is) definitely available for crisis centers and other places women who are the victims of sexual assault can visit for help and counselling. The "programs" Scott referred to are educational programs, which is good, but not the same thing as a woman who needs counseling to be able to sit with a professional and other victims and get help.
Hey, math is hard, ladies. But trust us. These numbers Scott cited make sense. And don't go and try to prove him wrong. Lord knows you can't do math when you have boobies. That's science talking!
1.) Sen. Marco Rubio
Before Rubio went on national TV and forgot to drink water before giving a long speech under hot lights and thus made an ass of himself, he did something else.
Happy International Women's Day, ladies!
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.